Revenge

I did something last week that I’m now second guessing my actions. When I was “stalking”, as he calls it, LaDonna’s facebook I noticed she had just become engaged. This made me really mad. Her life was going on peachy. So peachy that she found some guy that actually wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I’m sitting here with a husband that at one point wanted to leave me but didn’t have the guts. So I decided to get my own type of revenge. Most cases bad idea. My case, I haven’t decided yet. I got out my trusty unknown number and started texting her acting like I was some guy heartbroken over her engagement. I mentioned something about the married man she was dating and she said she would like to kick his ass. This made me chuckle because being a small woman I once asked him if I would win in a fight against her. He said definitely. I’m not sure if it was because of my anger toward her or her size but either way, if I couldn’t beat him up I really doubt she could. She acted like she wished it had never happened and that he had hurt her bad. This made me think a little differently about her.

It got to the point where she stopped texting because she didn’t know me and she was happily in love with her fiancé. After my epiphany that she may actually be more human that I had once thought, I decided to message her on facebook. Confess that it was me texting and tell her a few things that were on my mind. It was a very civilized message and I was quite proud that I had kept my temper to myself. I did this early Friday morning when I couldn’t sleep. I actually expected a response. He thought I would get a very angry message. He said even though I thought the message was civilized she would take it differently. He said she is anything but logical. She has some family history of mental illness. So now I’m going nuts wondering if she will reply.

Maybe she is hunting me down. Ha, wouldn’t that be funny? Ok, so maybe not. I don’t want to put my kids in danger. I really couldn’t care less about him because he was the one that started all this mess in the first place. And I’m not really the type to worry about my own safety. If she wants to beat me to a pulp so be it. I don’t care. And then I think maybe she is writing up a really huge message, full of hate or apology I really couldn’t tell you. I want to hear a reply back from her. I want to know what she thinks about all of it. Why do I care? I don’t know. I just do.

The mind movies have started again. All those little films I play in my head, the ones that play when I don’t want them to. Sometimes I start them on my own, though. I want to watch and get depressed and angry about the whole thing. My main question every time the film is rolling is why did he do it? Why me? How can he go on with life as if nothing happened? I feel so sick every time I watch them touch, and kiss, and do the things that only him and I were supposed to do. I want to cry and never stop. I wonder if I will ever get over it. I wonder if I can ever trust him again. I wonder if he will one day miss it and find someone else. I thought I was doing so good, but here I am again.

I feel another bad day coming on….

I need some excitement!

Things are going very well. So why do I feel so awful, so bored? I’m bored of the mundane day to day routine, bored of my family, bored of life in general. I’m a loner. I love being at home. One or two nights a week out of the house is usually plenty for me. And the bonus, I usually get to pick where we go out to eat. Yeah, I guess I do have a boring life. It never bothered me before, but the last couple of days I just wish for some excitement. I look at my phone constantly hoping to have a text. I look at Facebook wishing one of the “other women” in my life have changed their profile pic or posted something new. I feel so pathetic.

I wonder if he feels this way. After all the secrets and excitement of an affair, he has to be going crazy with the boredom. This is one reason why I can’t help but think he is hiding someone or going to cheat again. This feeling is driving me crazy and I’ve never had any kind of real excitement in my life since we’ve been married. He on the other hand has and knows how it feels and has means to make it happen. I have kids to take care of everyday so there is no way I can do something like that. It’s starting to scare me more and more. Why when things are going so good do I have to have these stupid feelings?

I probably should have gone a little wild and crazy before I started dating and got married. Maybe then I would have gotten all these feelings out of my system. I don’t even know what to do to get rid of them. I wonder if something is wrong. I feel kind of panicky and like my body will explode if I don’t find somehow to release all this energy. I feel hot and air heady. I think I need a vacation. Ha! What’s that? I just hope I don’t go and do something drastic to get rid of this feeling. If we had some in the house I would take a glass of wine and soak in the tub! I really think I’m going a little loopy in the head. I just wonder, why now?

So I took a lot of words to try and describe how I’m feeling. I don’t even think I got close!

Kids

I'm folding baby clothes. The last thing on earth I want to be doing. I hate being a mom. My first biggest mistake was getting married. And no, not just cause of who I married. I shouldn't have married anyone, at all. My second biggest mistake was having kids. I'm not a baby person. Not really a kid person in general. Sure other people's kids I can tolerate. I get to see them for a little then they go away. If it weren't for his great desire to have kids we may not have any right now. I don't know why he wanted any in the first place. He cheated on me both times I was pregnant. Good grief. What was the point?

I'm going crazy. He doesn't believe me. Will he believe me after someone turns me in when they hear me screaming at the top of my lungs through our open windows? Will he believe me when he comes home to find our child's eyes bright red because he has been crying all day? He can't seem to do anything right for mom. Will he believe me after our child starts talking and tells him that he was locked in his room? He thinks I'm overreacting or exaggerating. I'm not. I feel awful, but what can I do? The one person I feel comfortable with telling half of the truth won't listen to even that.

I don't want to be a mom. I want to be able to work part time and keep my house nice. Get the laundry, dishes, and bathroom cleaned whenever I want. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to wear my nice junior sized clothes that fit. I hate my stretch marks and my fat tummy. Sure big boobs are a plus but I don't plan on breast feeding my whole life! I want to be able to go away whenever. Plan long road trips ( I loved to travel before kids). Save up money each month. Sleep in on the weekends. I want to live my life my way, not my kids' way.

I wish I could get some help, but in order to have help I need to tell someone the truth and actually have them believe me.


I do love my kids. I wish now I wouldn't have had them. I brought them into a crazy messed up marriage. I don't abuse them. I just get so aggravated and have days when I wouldn't think it impossible to. I've felt so awful every since CJ has been born. Stress is a killer. I just wish I could die.

Satisfied?

You know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you just know something bad is going to happen? I feel that a lot. I know I love him. I know I can forgive him and partially forget. But whenever I think about it I get this feeling that it will happen again. It’s happened three times in as many years. How do I argue that with myself? I know we are both really trying but what if that’s not enough?

He’s being more honest with me then he ever has been. This is one consolation. He is also more open with me than ever before.  My biggest thing is what is going to stop him from doing it again? I wish he would give me something I can do to help him. Or find someone he can be accountable to. It would make me feel so much better if he would have someone helping other than me. He has no interest in counseling and that scares me. I’m sure he could learn ways to avoid and deal with temptations.

I want our marriage to be better. I’m tired of not feeling completely satisfied with him. I want to be able to tell him this but right now I feel like if I throw anything on him he will think it’s too hard and give up. I’m the one that needs to get over my wants and just be satisfied with what I get. He needs to focus on staying faithful. I don’t have any reason to believe I can or will cheat so I can live without getting what I want or need. He on the other hand can’t live without his wants and needs met. I definitely found that out the hard way. I need to focus on him. But I still can’t help but wonder when it will be my turn.

We were driving somewhere recently and this song came on the radio. I had to cry a little listening to it.

I sometimes wish there was a way I could turn off my love for him. It would protect me from getting hurt again. I’m so tired of hurting.