Satisfied?

You know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you just know something bad is going to happen? I feel that a lot. I know I love him. I know I can forgive him and partially forget. But whenever I think about it I get this feeling that it will happen again. It’s happened three times in as many years. How do I argue that with myself? I know we are both really trying but what if that’s not enough?

He’s being more honest with me then he ever has been. This is one consolation. He is also more open with me than ever before.  My biggest thing is what is going to stop him from doing it again? I wish he would give me something I can do to help him. Or find someone he can be accountable to. It would make me feel so much better if he would have someone helping other than me. He has no interest in counseling and that scares me. I’m sure he could learn ways to avoid and deal with temptations.

I want our marriage to be better. I’m tired of not feeling completely satisfied with him. I want to be able to tell him this but right now I feel like if I throw anything on him he will think it’s too hard and give up. I’m the one that needs to get over my wants and just be satisfied with what I get. He needs to focus on staying faithful. I don’t have any reason to believe I can or will cheat so I can live without getting what I want or need. He on the other hand can’t live without his wants and needs met. I definitely found that out the hard way. I need to focus on him. But I still can’t help but wonder when it will be my turn.

We were driving somewhere recently and this song came on the radio. I had to cry a little listening to it.

I sometimes wish there was a way I could turn off my love for him. It would protect me from getting hurt again. I’m so tired of hurting.