Kids

I'm folding baby clothes. The last thing on earth I want to be doing. I hate being a mom. My first biggest mistake was getting married. And no, not just cause of who I married. I shouldn't have married anyone, at all. My second biggest mistake was having kids. I'm not a baby person. Not really a kid person in general. Sure other people's kids I can tolerate. I get to see them for a little then they go away. If it weren't for his great desire to have kids we may not have any right now. I don't know why he wanted any in the first place. He cheated on me both times I was pregnant. Good grief. What was the point?

I'm going crazy. He doesn't believe me. Will he believe me after someone turns me in when they hear me screaming at the top of my lungs through our open windows? Will he believe me when he comes home to find our child's eyes bright red because he has been crying all day? He can't seem to do anything right for mom. Will he believe me after our child starts talking and tells him that he was locked in his room? He thinks I'm overreacting or exaggerating. I'm not. I feel awful, but what can I do? The one person I feel comfortable with telling half of the truth won't listen to even that.

I don't want to be a mom. I want to be able to work part time and keep my house nice. Get the laundry, dishes, and bathroom cleaned whenever I want. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to wear my nice junior sized clothes that fit. I hate my stretch marks and my fat tummy. Sure big boobs are a plus but I don't plan on breast feeding my whole life! I want to be able to go away whenever. Plan long road trips ( I loved to travel before kids). Save up money each month. Sleep in on the weekends. I want to live my life my way, not my kids' way.

I wish I could get some help, but in order to have help I need to tell someone the truth and actually have them believe me.


I do love my kids. I wish now I wouldn't have had them. I brought them into a crazy messed up marriage. I don't abuse them. I just get so aggravated and have days when I wouldn't think it impossible to. I've felt so awful every since CJ has been born. Stress is a killer. I just wish I could die.