Forgiveness

It’s about a year now that he was with LaDonna for the first time. It’s hard knowing now what was going on then. I wondered what had changed between us and at the time really didn’t think he could do something like that to me. I was oblivious. I should have seen it. I guess I was too busy or maybe I was to the point of really not caring. Initially, after I realized our relationship had changed, I tried hard to connect with him again. I probably tried too hard, in my own way. I nagged and we fought and I really tried to get him to see what was happening. In reality he knew exactly what was happening. I was the one that was clueless. After a while I just quit trying. I guess I am thankful it is over and we’ve come this far.

In about two weeks we have an annual show we go to, an antique show type thing. I asked if she was there last year because she doesn’t live far from it. He said she was and that she usually goes. What do I do? I may see the woman my husband has been with. I may have to look at her. I guess it wouldn’t be a have to. I won’t be able to take my eyes off her. I want to see her. I want to know what she has that I didn’t. I want to know what is so great about her that he would leave me while I’m pregnant with his child. I still don’t understand it. I still think about it. I’m so self-conscious right now. I look at myself in the mirror and realize I am prettier than her. But it’s obviously not about looks. I then look inward and I don’t like what I see. I said I forgave him. I may have lied. I said I will one day forgive them. I may have lied again. I sometimes hate him more then I love him. I know I hate them. What kind of a Christian am I?

Sunday in church the preacher was talking about forgiveness. It was a message meant for me. I’m so imperfect I don’t know how I ever thought I was better than him. Yes, he cheated and I remained faithful. But I can’t forgive him and he is becoming a better man every day. Some things the preacher said made me think.

*I haven’t forgiven if I can’t imagine giving that person a hug.

*We can deceive ourselves into thinking we have forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t the act of controlling our hateful feelings it’s by actively showing that person love.

*Jesus told us to forgive someone 70 x 7 times. If someone comes to me over and over saying they’re sorry for the same hurtful thing they have done to me, I am supposed to forgive them each and every time.

*Mercy is treating someone better then they deserve.

*To err is human, to forgive is divine. I need to ask God for help in forgiving someone. I can’t do it on my own. If I can’t forgive someone it’s because I haven’t asked for help.

I don’t know if I even want to ask for help. I really don’t want to forgive. But another thing I need to think about is if I don’t forgive, God won’t forgive me. I need help. I need to forgive. I don’t want to forgive. I want to stay angry and make them see how wrong they all are. I want them to see how much they hurt me and my family. I want them to pay.

I hate my life. I wish I never would have met him.