Two Different Pages

Why can’t we just get along? If we are together for just one day we self-destruct. I’m tired of it and it would be nice to know why. Sure I know if I would just keep my mouth shut most of the time there would be no arguments. But what do I do when he makes me feel like an idiot in his presence? For example: Last night we were watching the Olympics and during a commercial I tell him something about a relative of mine and he acts like that was the last thing he would have liked to been listening to. That just kind of set the whole evening off. That along with the ac not working well where we were at, one kid into everything and the other not wanting to nurse but won’t stop crying because he and I are both hot, and the hubby just sitting there and only taking action when I direct his attention to a problem. I’m sick of feeling like I’m the only one that can make things happen or that is capable of getting things done.

Another thing I feel like he doesn’t care about is our relationship. I try to ask him every so often how he is doing because the last thing I want is another affair happening. If I can try and prevent it by checking in with him I will do that as much as it takes. But why doesn’t he do the same thing for me? Does he just expect everything to be hunky dorey now that I forgave him? I’m struggling way more then I let it show. I try to tell him and he always makes me feel stupid for coming to him to talk about it. I know I can easily be made to feel stupid and I’m trying to work on that. But that still doesn’t excuse his lack of interest in me. He thinks I’m really selfish and he makes me feel that way when I tell him what I need from him. I need to hear that I’m the only one he wants and needs. I need to hear that there is no one else and that he never wants it to happen again. I need to hear that he doesn’t ever want to hurt me that way again. And I just want him to check in with me. Just ask me how I’m doing. How my day was, not in relation to the kids or how much I got done, but in relation to my thoughts about the affair. And no, I don’t want to bring the whole subject up all the time. I just want to know that he cares about whether I’m doing all right or need a shoulder to cry one.

I still think about it a lot. Not near as much as before, and I can more easily put it to the back of my mind now. I know it’s not good to dwell on it. When I do the only thing that comes out of it is self-pity and I know I don’t need any more of that. What I think about and worry about is him. Is he where he said he is? Does he message women on Facebook? Does he miss it? Am I giving him what he wants and needs? Does he even like me? What is he thinking? I guess I wish I knew him better. It’s hard to get to know someone, though, if they don’t want to be known. I don’t know how to talk to him. I try and it seems he runs scared every time. I know in the past I made the whole talking thing a bigger deal then it should have been and now he just gets scared every time I mention it. But I’m slowly feeling resentment about everything, his lack of interest, the lack of meaningful conversation, and his lack of desire for me.

I don’t want to think that it will happen again but I’m afraid if things keep going the way they are it will. And it may not even be him this time. I desire for someone to tell me certain things so much that I would be willing to hear it from just about anyone. He’s making me feel bitter and angry and resentful. I don’t want to be that kind of person. But how do I keep giving and giving when I only get back a fraction of what I give? Probably if this would ever come up in one of those meaningful conversations I want to have he would make me feel like I want too much from him and in the end I probably would agree. I want more the more I get. But could this be because I barely get what I really want to begin with? If I got what I wanted more often than I would know it was coming and I could rest assured that I don’t have to gobble it up and ask for more all at once.

What do I really want? Assurance, romance, conversation, companionship, passion, desire, security, love, interest, fun, touch, playfulness, spice, honesty, unity, connection, peace. I guess I want our relationship to feel like your own bed when you’re completely worn out or were gone on a long trip. But also like a much needed vacation to a place you’ve never been. I guess what I want the most right now is to feel completely comfortable with him. So comfortable that I can say whatever is on my mind and trust that he will take it the way I meant and not overreact. I want to feel like I can be myself and not have to worry about rejection. I want to be able to tell him what I want and need and not have to worry about what he will think of me and whether he will do it or not. I want to feel wanted and needed. I want to know that I’m the only woman that he needs.

Is our relationship the only one that seems to be on two completely different pages?