Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. Sure I probably have had a few semi bad ones since I forgave him but this one was a little worse. I cried over the affair, which I haven’t done since I decided not to bring it up. I guess I’m so scared our relationship is going to go back to the way it was. We never communicated. We talked but not about things that mattered in our relationship. It’s starting to go back to that. After the affair, we talked a lot about our feelings and things that we wanted and needed because it was very relevant at the time. Now we have nothing to talk about. What are we supposed to say to each other?

I have a hard time voicing my feelings for several reasons. I’m so afraid of rejection. I’m afraid I will tell him how I feel and he will joke about it or not take me seriously. I’m afraid to tell him what I want or need because I’m afraid he won’t do it. I have told him in the past my feelings and he has done all the things I’m afraid he would do. He has hurt me in more ways than just being with other women. I can’t tell him this because he always gets so hurt and down on himself I can’t even reason with him. I’m so frustrated because it’s as if he would rather just live his life getting what he needs from me and forgetting what I need. I know he probably doesn’t think like this. He’s a man that’s just not motivated to do it.

This also hurts. I will do things that I like to do. One thing that I like to do is please others. Therefore, I will do the things Jon likes me to do because I want to please him and make him happy. He is not like this. I don’t know how to motivate him to love me the way I want and need. I know it’s not by nagging. I know it’s not by trying to get his attention through negative ways. And just telling him doesn’t seem to work. One thing that I know helps is focusing on him instead of me. This is really hard for me. I want to feel loved before I give him what he wants. It’s hard for me to do something for him when I don’t have good feelings toward him. I had a bad day, so why can’t I just expect him for a day or two to be there for me when I may not be at my best and forget about his self?

Whenever I write I always feel selfish. I feel like I am always down and discouraged. This is probably because the only time I feel like I need to write is when I am. I don’t want to be a selfish person, but I also don’t want to be the one in our relationship that is always giving without being prompted. Yes, I know he isn’t horrible. I know most times he is good at giving me what I need. But why does it feel like those times are only shortly after we have a full blown fight? I also know I used to ask for too much and when I got a little love and attention I was never satisfied. I think I’ve been doing good about that for years now, but he still brings it up whenever I let him know I need some time with him. He doesn’t see the good in me. He sees the bad, whether it’s in me today or two years ago.

I don’t think he wants to be with me. If he really loved me wouldn’t he at least try to give me what I want? I know it’s not the first thing he wants to do. I know it goes against his grain. I know it doesn’t come naturally. What about the things I do? It doesn’t come naturally for me to everyday try and respect someone that has hurt me the way he has. It doesn’t come naturally for me to give him space when the one thing I want from him is attention. I do it anyway! He overlooks everything I do and then doesn’t do what I need because he thinks I’m asking too much. After all the things I try and do for him? Don’t I deserve a little bit of gratitude from him? I’m so discouraged. I try and try and try for so long to give him what he wants and needs but I’m left with nothing.

I wonder sometimes if he thinks he is the only one with temptations. I have them too. When I see a man giving his wife or girlfriend attention that I crave I get jealous. Before I know it I’m thinking what it would be like to have a man like that and I’m resenting my husband. He doesn’t realize how often at night I dream that a man likes me and is giving me all the attention I need, and it’s not him. I wake up wishing I could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming. Go back to that fantasy that someone loves me and wants to make me happy. I wake up feeling dissatisfied with him because I don’t know when I will ever feel loved like that for more than a week or two at a time. I’m glad no man has ever approached me and made me feel loved and special because I don’t know what I would do. I have temptations too. I just don’t have a means to yield to them. I have kids and a husband I feel like I need to take care of right now.

What will it take to get him to see that by not giving me love and attention I’m slowly beginning to resent him?