Looking ahead

Things have been going well. I guess you can probably tell by the silence from me. I recently decided to put the whole affair behind me. I was punishing him in my own way. I can see that now, and I can honestly say that it probably wasn’t the most mature thing to do. I thought if I would verbally forgive him I would somehow be condoning his actions. Now I see that forgiving him was the only way we were going to move forward.

Since I have forgave him I haven’t thought about it as much. One reason is, I decided not to bring the subject up unless it was necessary. So I’m trying hard not to bring it up in arguments or even just daily discussions. It has helped me keep my mind off of it. I just tell myself that the past is in the past. It doesn’t need to be brought up to help us in the present. He did it and now we are moving forward.

If you would have told me three months ago that I would be feeling this way I would have laughed, or cried. I just never thought I would be able to get over it. I’m glad I’m beginning to. It’s still hard to trust him. I can’t get out of my mind that it might happen again. I guess that will just take time. In the past it happened about once a year so maybe if it hasn’t happened again in a year or two then I will be able to trust him completely again.

I quit going to counseling. Every time I went I thought about the affair because that’s the reason I was going. I didn’t think it would help me out to be reminded once a week and then come home and treat him like it had just happened all over again. I have a bad tendency to do that so I thought it best to not even be tempted.

I’m still having a lot of issues with my hormones from having CJ. I’m really crabby and angry most days. We get along good other than days we are together a lot like today. I don’t understand why. When we have days like this I wonder if we will ever be able to get along. I hope it’s just the hormones. I don’t want the rest of our lives to be like this.

I’m also still having problems with JR. I think it’s a lack of positive attention toward him. I just get so impatient with him. He doesn’t listen and it seems as if he wants to be bad on purpose. I love him but most days I just can’t stand the way he acts. I’m hoping this also can be attributed to hormones but I know I can’t use that as an excuse. I need to learn how to be patient and how to give him the right kind of attention.

I’m glad things are going good. I just wish I knew whether our relationship was better or if we are slipping back into our old groove.