Relationships

This morning I’m writing with feelings of helplessness, shame, and confusion.

Helplessness

I’m at a total loss as to what to do with my relationship with him. I want things that I’m not getting. He reacts when I tell him. I probably don’t go to him in the right way. I hold things inside so long until they just explode. How do I fix this? How do I get over my fear of rejection? How do I let him know my fear? How do I trust him with my feelings when in the past he has reacted in the wrong way and made me feel stupid for even saying anything?

Shame

Why do I act the way I do? How can I get so angry I drive him farther and farther away? And how can he still love me after I get so angry and mean toward him? How can I treat my children the way I do when I know all the feelings I have aren’t their fault? How can I act the way I do and still expect him and the kids to love me?

Confusion

Why do I act the way I do? Why do I have this uncontrollable anger and restlessness? What do I do with these feelings rather than lash out? How do I get rid of them? How will we ever have a healthy relationship when we can’t even have a healthy conversation? Why do I want so much more than what I have? He comes home to me every night. He is kind and helpful toward me. He really is trying to be a good man. Why can’t I just let this be enough? Why do I have to have these feelings toward the kids? Why do I have these feelings at all?

I get so frustrated when I hear people talking about stupid mundane things that don’t matter. They don’t get it. Life is so much more than what someone was wearing or where they were eating or what they were doing. If you think your relationships are fine then you are stupid. They are work and constantly need to be maintained. People that have time on their hands to sit around and gossip must not have a relationship worth working on. I have so much work to do on my multiple relationships I cringe when I have to sit somewhere and talk about everyday things. I have work to do and it doesn’t get done talking about the weather.

I feel like a bitch and right now I’m not sure that I care. I just want something good to happen to me for once.