Doubts

So, the one year anniversary of when it all started with LaDonna is coming up. Yeah I’ve been thinking about it all the last couple of days. We went to watch a friend play softball last night and all I could think about was the last time we were there. I was pregnant and we were going to tell these same friends about it. It would have been right around the time “it” happened. Stuff like that reminds me of it and lets me know that even though I’ve forgiven him I will never forget.

There are so many things I want to talk with him about but there are so many more reasons why I don’t feel comfortable doing so. My fear of rejection comes to mind again, and also the fact that I don’t want to be the one to remind him of it. We always seem to get in an argument whenever I bring it up. And last but not least he hates talking to me. I have things that I need to hear from him to know that things are going ok. I’m not hearing them therefore I wonder if things are ok. He was really sweet last night so that makes it a little better. I just wish he would get over his awful fear of talking.

Something that’s driving me crazy right now is other women! Yes it’s shorts season. I don’t wear shorts, I wear skirts. I have a few short skirts but they are still knee length. I always get jealous of other women that have nice tan looking legs with shorts on that barely cover their butt and that wear tank tops and shirts that show a lot of boob. I never know what he is seeing. What is it doing to him? And why doesn’t he tell me he likes how I look with my skirts and high necked, sleeved shirts? I know what he thought of me before the latest affair but what about now? Does he still think I’m sexy when I’m very modestly dressed? I just wish I knew.

I’ve forgiven him for what he’s done, and I know I’m moving forward, but all the doubts are still there. Is he really where he says he is? Does he think about having sex with other women? Does he look at pictures of other women? Can I trust him? And it’s not like I can ask him. It would be classified as nagging if I went to him every time I had doubts and asked him these questions. I just want reassurance and I’m not sure how to ask for it. I want to know he’s changed.

Now that I’ve been trying to not bring it up and leave it in the past I wonder if he knows how much I’m still hurting. I wonder if he realizes how much I still think about it or how often it has the potential to ruin my day. I usually try to not let it but it’s something I have to work on. There are so many areas of life that are tainted by it. I can’t look at CJ without thinking about it. I was pregnant with him when it happened last and I think that maybe he doesn’t love CJ as much because of it. I know that’s not true but that’s what I feel and think a lot. I hate it. I hate thinking bad about him. I hate thinking he isn’t a great dad and that he could be so cruel. And most of all I hate that I feel like I can’t have an open honest conversation with him. I just want to talk.

Doubts, doubts go away. Come again another day.