Did I already say I was terrified?

This is hard. Trusting a man that broke my trust. Trusting a man that in the past has lied right to my face. I know this time is different. I know he has changed for the better. It just doesn't make it any easier. I was ok with it before all the stuff happened recently. Those of you who actually read this may wonder what I did that was so awful. Here it is, I texted him with another number and pretended I was someone else. I wanted to see what he would do. I wasn’t really impressed with what he was texting. Not the way I would have wanted him to respond. But later he told me he knew it was me and was playing along. How do I believe him? Should I believe him? I have so many conflicting feelings.

He has been so indifferent toward me since I betrayed his trust. I can’t talk to him. I can’t expect any tenderness from him. I’m scared I ruined everything. Having a husband that could have two physical affairs and I not know a thing is really scary. He is alone on the job some. He could call or text whoever. He travels from job to job alone sometimes. He could stop wherever he wanted. I get knots in my stomach every time I think about it. Before I messed up I knew he wouldn’t do anything. He was being honest with me for the first time. He was being vulnerable. Now I’m afraid he would just do something out of spite.

I have a basis for this fear. I myself am tempted every day to do this. I want to have a man tell me wonderful things about myself. I want a man that I can be a different person with. Someone that doesn’t know all my faults. That I can be secretive with. I want to have some excitement again. Taking care of two kids all day every day leaves a lot to be desired. I guess I can see the appeal. I just wish he would have resisted. I just wish our marriage was something we both wanted.

I’m planning on seeing a counselor on Wed. We were both supposed to go but he doesn’t want to after everything blew up like it did. After what I did he said he doesn’t want to try and make things work anymore. I decided I’m still going to go to see if I can win my husband back. After all, the affairs feel like my responsibility. If I would have made our marriage more appealing and fun and exciting why would he have to run off and find that elsewhere? If I would have been the encouraging, uplifting wife I should have been he wouldn’t have looked for someone to stroke his ego. He was just trying to fill himself with what I wasn’t giving him. Trying to feel like a needed, appreciated man.

But that leaves the question, what am/was I supposed to do with all the emptiness inside of me? 

Move forward?

I made a mistake. I broke his trust. Sure, what I did wasn't as bad as an affair, but like they say, "Two wrongs don't make a right". Now I feel awful. Now I feel even more confused. I want to make things better. I want us to get better. I want to move forward. Why are there so many different feelings that make this seem so impossible?

I am terrified. I can't even describe how terrified I feel! I'm losing all control. He wants me to just trust him. He wants me to be able to just believe what he says. This is hard. I have been wanting him to give me all his passwords. He did, except for my verizon. He changed his phone number and said it was so his affair women couldn't find him. He didn't want to set up a my verizon account though. He did once then shut it back off. Finally when he did he told me he had been texting someone else. Or they had been texting him and bugging him. It's the neighbor girl. That is really why he had changed his number. I don't know what to believe. I'm so confused and I wonder if this is exactly how he wants me. Confused and willing to overlook things when he gives me a vague explanation.

I want to believe him and move on. The scariest thing about it is not knowing if he is being honest. Not knowing if he really wants me. Not knowing if I'm just going to get hurt again and again and again. He wants me to move forward and not ask questions, or at least not question if he is being faithful. How is this possible? I just find out that the neighbor girl is infatuated with him and I really don't know if it is/was mutual. He doesn't understand why I can't just believe him. It's hard because he was trying everything to keep it hidden. If he was innocent why not tell me right away when he told me about the other affairs?

This whole thing has got me down and I'm not sure how to get back up.

Sand

During our wedding ceremony we poured sand. We have a nice container with green and brown sand, which he and I poured in together, representing our lives. There is white on top, which the minister poured, representing God over our lives. Every time I look at that sand I ache. Our marriage wasn't real. He didn't want it and I thought it would make everything better. Our marriage was a lie. That sand is a lie. We are only one in flesh not in heart and soul. And the sand on top representing God over our lives? Who were we fooling? God wasn't in our lives before or during our marriage. I feel like a hypocrite. If I could just turn back time.

I hope he is faithful from now on. I just can't get out of my head that this feels so deja vu. Every year there has been another woman. Even if I didn't know about the second one and thought he was doing so good, she was there. Who will it be next year? Or the end of this year? He says he's more committed. How do I know? He still seems so distant some of the time. I want him to know the things he needs to change, but I also want him to want to do them. Not do them cause he is forced. 

I hate dreams. The sleeping kind. The kind that you really have no control over. They just play out for you while your sleeping and your forced to live through them. Some dreams like the one last night can be so tempting. It made me wish for a new beginning. No husband, no kids, and no responsibilities. But that's a fantasy. I live in reality. 

The reality hits me everyday. Constantly. I can't get away from it. I don't have two normal thoughts in a row. "It" always pops up in between. That's what I've started calling the affairs. It. It is eating me alive. I barely eat and when I do it's nothing substantial. I lay awake at night. I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I freak out at the kids constantly and I'm not enjoying them at all. I'm obsessed with "it". I get angry at him and I know he's probably reeling every time we are together. Well I guess even when we're apart and I talk to him on the phone. He's been doing a lot for me and I just can't look past it. I'm really going nuts.

JR got into the sand today. He tore up some of my dried roses that I carried on our wedding day and put them in the sand. I got mad at him but then I thought, "Why get mad?". I almost threw it away. I did throw away the flowers but the sand's still there. I pictured myself pouring it all in the trash. I want to so bad. Or better yet, I just want to throw it right in his face. He broke our vows. I was trying, but he had quit. Or more like never started. Why do I have to be the one that is home day after day looking at that stupid sand? I would hate myself for throwing it out, but what good is it doing now? Who really believes what that sand stands for? When all this is behind us for a few years and he is still wanting to stay faithful to me I want to get remarried. I want to pour more sand that actually means something. Sand that's not some stupid, fake symbol of our lives.

I really want to get better but I'm not willing to do what it takes to get there.

Dreams

I’m still so angry and I don’t know if I will ever trust him again. I don’t feel like anything is getting better either. He won’t talk to me. We haven’t had sex for a while. And I just can’t seem to get over all of it. I wish he would talk to me about it. It’s on my mind constantly yet he acts like it didn’t even happen. Or like it shouldn’t matter anymore. Well it does. It scares me to know that he thinks we would have been better off if I never found out. What!? So he could go off and have another affair easier? So he could make some excuse about going somewhere and end up in someone else’s arms? Yeah, it would have been better for him. This is why I don’t think he is serious and that he is planning on it happening again. Or maybe hoping it will.

I had all these hopes and dreams as a child/teenager. I wanted a man that loved me, cherished me, and was loyal. A man that would have given his own life for mine. Someone that thought I was the only one meant for  him. Well, that’s what I thought I had. He was funny, romantic, and treated me like a queen. I don’t know what happened. Maybe he got tired of me. Maybe I changed. Either way, at some point in our relationship, I knew I wasn’t happy anymore. I knew I wasn’t getting the things I wanted and had dreamed about. I was just too stubborn to admit it. I had given him too much of myself to back out. I thought things would change after we got married. I was so stupid and now I can’t go back.

I know in the future, with God’s help, I can forgive him. As of now, though, I don’t even see him trying to win my forgiveness. I know I’m not supposed to hinge forgiveness on the person’s behavior. It’s just so hard to even think it when I don’t feel like he wants it. He keeps asking me if I can see myself forgiving him. It feels as if he will run out clicking his heels if I say no. If I saw him trying, in the ways that matter to me, it would be way easier. The thing is he doesn’t even know what those ways are because he has never asked. This is why I feel like he really doesn’t care. He is trying on his own instead of simply talking to me and asking for help. I’m beginning to think he isn’t even sorry. Wouldn’t he do everything in his power to let me know he wants to change? Wouldn’t he at least find out what I need to forgive him?

I will end this post with a song that I used to love. I’m not really into country but this song was always exactly what I wanted from a man.

Now that I have a man and he hasn’t been faithful I guess I can say good bye to my dream of having one that will love and be faithful forever. I know in my heart he can be faithful again. We can get past this and he can earn back his faithfulness. But I need to see that this is what he wants. 

Until then, goodbye dreams….

Car for Sale

We are selling the car. We want to get something bigger. Two kids are just too much to stuff in a car. We have found something else we like and need to sell the car by Friday. My first thought? How bout we offer it to that whore he had in there with him? Just give it to her as a souvenir for the many “rides” she took in it. If he ever brings another woman in our new car I may just take a match to it, with them in it. Ok, so that would be a big waste of money. I would tie them to a tree and leave the car out of it.

Will it be nice to get rid of the vehicle my husband had an affair in? Actually, I’m not sure. I would have to let go of it and it’s something I’m holding on to for dear life. When I get in it, it fuels my fire. When I think of the affair, it burns me most. I want to have something to fling in his face. I don’t want to let go of something that I know can make me so angry. The anger feels good. Right, somehow. I want to hold onto that anger and never let go. I guess selling the car will never take away the memory of what he did in it. I can still be angry and get a new vehicle.

But when will the fire ever go out? 

Womanizer

My husband is a womanizer. I found this awesome site with a bunch of definitions for womanizer. Click the link to check it out.

Hopefully one day I can honestly say he was and not is. Right now the thing that drives me crazy is that he sometimes talks bad about the women he has been with or I guess just women in general. He even makes it sound like it’s their fault everything got started. And even with LaDonna he said it was her actions that lead him to end it. He says mean things about women all the time. It’s nothing for him to say something like she’s fat, or she must be nice, or she’s so annoying. Well, what about his women? Jenna had issues. Lisa is pathetic. Jessica is a giant. Marsha is old. LaDonna is ugly. Don’t know who else there has been so I’ll just stop there. What am I? I know I’m not perfect so what’s wrong with me? I know I don’t have any of those problems yet, but I must have some problem. He has something bad to say about every woman.

I want to be able to trust him but with all the evidence pointing toward him being a womanizer will this ever end? 

Mother's Day

He got me gifts! Yeah I chewed him out for not getting me anything for Valentine’s Day so he kinda had to get me something. I just want him to make me feel special. Not getting me anything on special occasions, in my eyes, lets me know I’m not worth spending money or effort on. And it doesn’t have to be a lot. Just something he put effort into picking out or doing. I’m a very sentimental person so “it’s the thought that counts” goes a long way with me. I was just getting tired of getting absolutely nothing on holidays. He does good on Christmas. But the others I’m lucky if we go out to eat. He wants to know what he can do to make things better. This is one of them.

So on to what he got me. I got flowers delivered to me on Wednesday with a card that said something about not always listening but I do mean the world to him, from JR and Dad. They are beautiful tulips. I love tulips! For a few years my mom had every color imaginable growing in front of our house so that’s a good memory I have to go along with tulips. Then yesterday something else arrived! Shari’s Berries which are very good chocolate covered strawberries from CJ and Dad. This card said something about thanks for the great milk. If there’s one thing my husband has it’s a sense of humor. I really love them. He did a good job!

Along those lines, I’m not someone that needs to get expensive or extraordinary gifts. Simple things make me happy. As long as he put effort into picking it out or doing it I would love it. Now it sounds like I didn’t like my gift, but that’s not the case. I just want everyone to know I’m not some material person. I just want him to think about what I enjoy doing and make it special or get me something that goes along with it. Flowers and chocolates can be expensive and not a whole lot of thought needs to be put into that. If he really tried to make an effort when getting me a gift it would be one way to let me know he is serious about our relationship. To tell you the truth, the cards that came along with the gifts meant way more to me than the actual gift. It took effort to think of what he wanted them to say. I’m not a shallow person that can just have gifts thrown at her to make her happy.

Do I sound like an ungrateful person? Sorry, but I want him to show me that he is really serious.

Notes

Today I was cleaning our room and I came across notes that I had written to him. In a lot of them I was writing to apologize for fighting with him, or to apologize for something I had done wrong, or just a note to let him know I wanted to do better. It kind of made me upset because I feel like I’m always the one to make things right after we have an argument. Or at least I was. He is doing better about owning up to his mistakes. But what really made me upset was I wrote some of those notes while he was cheating on me. I wrote those notes apologizing for fighting with him when the reason we were fighting was him! Things weren’t right between us because he was off having sex with someone else. I knew things felt weird and I just thought it was because of my hormones from being pregnant. Now I know the truth. And the truth hurts. A lot.

I’m afraid I will have a hard time writing apology notes to him now. Maybe even apologizing in general. Like I’ve said before, I hate feeling stupid. Looking at those notes made me feel really stupid. He just took them and acted like it was my fault and then went on like normal. He let me take the fall for his mistakes time and time again. Some of the notes sounded like I was at the end of my rope trying to figure out what was going on with us. Did he not hear the desperation in them? Did he not see I wanted to have a better marriage? I know I started a lot of arguments, but mainly because I wanted to get to the bottom of things. I wanted to know why everything felt so foreign. I wanted to have our somewhat close relationship back. Every time I would try to bring it up we would end up fighting. How could he have been so heartless?

This is one thing I don’t understand. What made him turn around? Why is he all of a sudden a different person? He hurt me over and over. He was mean to me all the time. I couldn’t do anything that was right in his eyes. Then all at once he is sorry and trying so hard to be a better husband. What happened? Since it all changed so quickly I’m scared it will change again just as fast. I’m scared he will get tired of waiting for me to completely forgive him. I’m scared he will think there is no hope in our marriage and find someone else. I can’t see myself leaving him but I also can’t see myself ever completely forgiving him.

I’m feeling crushed under this huge weight of responsibility.

Weddings

Saturday we went to a wedding. I never knew I would come to hate them. I used to love them. Now all I can think is what a huge waste of time and money. They probably won't last and if they do they probably won't be happy. Then Sunday in church his mom had a praise report in church about their wedding anniversary, 35 years. The same woman that has had a part in ruining my life and marriage is actually happy about being married? And to someone that cheated also? I know he was talking to some woman. Not sure how far it went but still. How can you thank God for that but force your own son to get married to someone he doesn't want to, and then attack him when he does the same thing your own husband does? I hate people in love.

When I said those vows on our wedding day I meant them.  I intend to follow through on the til death do us part. I'm not sure how my partner feels about that. I guess I really don't think he is serious about the whole thing. We are planning on going to a Marriage Restored weekend the beginning of June. If he really takes me and participates and is serious about the whole thing I may be convinced then. Right now I just feel like he is biding his time until it is safe to cheat again. I hate feeling stupid and that's how I feel. It will be a long time before I trust him to not make me feel stupid again.

On a side note, I am always looking at LaDonna's facebook. Yeah, stupid, I know. It's like an addiction. I want to know why she is so much better then me that he had to go to her, text her, and look at her pictures. She posted today, "So confused right now :(". Your so confused???? You were the one fucking around with my husband and then when he didn't want you anymore you went and jumped into the next pair of pants that let you. And he must be just as stupid. He just met you at a freakin grocery store. How pathetic are you? And you think your confused? Let's call it for what it is, stupidity. I'm the one that's confused. Your just stupid.

Sorry. That was my rant for the day.

All the Feelings

He's mad at me because of the way I'm acting. If he would just know the emotions I'm feeling maybe then he would understand. If he could just feel and think everything I do maybe he wouldn't be so hard on me about the way I act. The smallest thing reminds me of all the pain. He goes from day to day like nothing is wrong. He jokes and teases, then asks me what is wrong when I don't join in. I'll tell you what's wrong. I think of Marsha anytime he says something about my mom's age. I think of LaDonna whenever I see my own stretch marks. I think of Jessica whenever we hear a Carrie Underwood song. And that's just one thing that reminds me of each of them. Trust me, there is a whole lot more. I can't get away from them. Every town we go to I'm reminded of some girl. I even dream about them. They are controlling my life.

I know I have been horrible to live with lately. And my emotions aren't all about the affair either. I just had a baby and my emotions went haywire with my first one too. Everything combined is going to drive him away or to another woman. I'm so tired of feeling so up and down. It's like my emotions are a goolash casserole. everything and anything thrown in together.

I think he may call it quits if I keep acting this way. I wish he would just be a little more sympathetic. I'm not trying to be awful, I just feel like I can't control it. To top it all off it's really hard for me to cry right now. I know I would feel better if I could more often, but it takes alot to set me off. I think it's part of the whole baby thing. So I have all this emotion and no outlet for it. It just simmers until I can get him to argue with me. I know it's wrong but it's one way it relieves all the tension inside.

I'm really struggling with my feelings toward him. I want to do something to hurt him. Find a guy to talk to but I know that's wrong. I probably wouldn't but I guess it's the thought that makes me feel guilty. He would leave me if I would ever do something stupid like that. Why don't I have enough guts to leave him? I don't want to be alone. I know that's the main reason. I don't believe in divorce and remarriage for any reason so I would leave him and then live alone the rest of my life. I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Not saying I don't want to live happily with him. I do. It would just be nice to have that option if he would ever do this to me again. I think if he would do it again I would leave him but then it's the lonely life for me. I hate myself for this weakness.

Another reason I'm scared of leaving is then he may do whatever he wants. It would kill me to know that right after I left he was going around seeing other women. It would hurt alot to know he just couldn't wait to get rid of me. This is how I think he feels sometimes. I wish I felt like he really cared about me. That he really liked me and wanted to be with me. I so often feel like I'm who he had to get married to instead of who he wanted to marry. It's gotten better in the last year or two but now that this has come up I really feel like he would rather have had anyone but me. I hate feeling so down on myself but what else do you think when your husband leaves you at home to be with other women? It's me. I'm not good enough to keep him here.

I feel way too young to be so sad about life. I should be out partying and living it up. But instead I'm at home writing on some blog where people don't even know my real name cause there is no one around me that knows the truth. No one that cares enough to see how my marriage is going. No one that we are close enough to that could tell he was dissatisfied with me or that I was not enough for him. Do we live such shallow lives and have such shallow friendships that no one can even tell that I've been really down lately? Or that he had been so distant and mean to me? I want to live life to the fullest but how do you do that when you feel like such a shallow thing?

I'm tired of living this lie.