All the Feelings

He's mad at me because of the way I'm acting. If he would just know the emotions I'm feeling maybe then he would understand. If he could just feel and think everything I do maybe he wouldn't be so hard on me about the way I act. The smallest thing reminds me of all the pain. He goes from day to day like nothing is wrong. He jokes and teases, then asks me what is wrong when I don't join in. I'll tell you what's wrong. I think of Marsha anytime he says something about my mom's age. I think of LaDonna whenever I see my own stretch marks. I think of Jessica whenever we hear a Carrie Underwood song. And that's just one thing that reminds me of each of them. Trust me, there is a whole lot more. I can't get away from them. Every town we go to I'm reminded of some girl. I even dream about them. They are controlling my life.

I know I have been horrible to live with lately. And my emotions aren't all about the affair either. I just had a baby and my emotions went haywire with my first one too. Everything combined is going to drive him away or to another woman. I'm so tired of feeling so up and down. It's like my emotions are a goolash casserole. everything and anything thrown in together.

I think he may call it quits if I keep acting this way. I wish he would just be a little more sympathetic. I'm not trying to be awful, I just feel like I can't control it. To top it all off it's really hard for me to cry right now. I know I would feel better if I could more often, but it takes alot to set me off. I think it's part of the whole baby thing. So I have all this emotion and no outlet for it. It just simmers until I can get him to argue with me. I know it's wrong but it's one way it relieves all the tension inside.

I'm really struggling with my feelings toward him. I want to do something to hurt him. Find a guy to talk to but I know that's wrong. I probably wouldn't but I guess it's the thought that makes me feel guilty. He would leave me if I would ever do something stupid like that. Why don't I have enough guts to leave him? I don't want to be alone. I know that's the main reason. I don't believe in divorce and remarriage for any reason so I would leave him and then live alone the rest of my life. I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Not saying I don't want to live happily with him. I do. It would just be nice to have that option if he would ever do this to me again. I think if he would do it again I would leave him but then it's the lonely life for me. I hate myself for this weakness.

Another reason I'm scared of leaving is then he may do whatever he wants. It would kill me to know that right after I left he was going around seeing other women. It would hurt alot to know he just couldn't wait to get rid of me. This is how I think he feels sometimes. I wish I felt like he really cared about me. That he really liked me and wanted to be with me. I so often feel like I'm who he had to get married to instead of who he wanted to marry. It's gotten better in the last year or two but now that this has come up I really feel like he would rather have had anyone but me. I hate feeling so down on myself but what else do you think when your husband leaves you at home to be with other women? It's me. I'm not good enough to keep him here.

I feel way too young to be so sad about life. I should be out partying and living it up. But instead I'm at home writing on some blog where people don't even know my real name cause there is no one around me that knows the truth. No one that cares enough to see how my marriage is going. No one that we are close enough to that could tell he was dissatisfied with me or that I was not enough for him. Do we live such shallow lives and have such shallow friendships that no one can even tell that I've been really down lately? Or that he had been so distant and mean to me? I want to live life to the fullest but how do you do that when you feel like such a shallow thing?

I'm tired of living this lie.