Sand

During our wedding ceremony we poured sand. We have a nice container with green and brown sand, which he and I poured in together, representing our lives. There is white on top, which the minister poured, representing God over our lives. Every time I look at that sand I ache. Our marriage wasn't real. He didn't want it and I thought it would make everything better. Our marriage was a lie. That sand is a lie. We are only one in flesh not in heart and soul. And the sand on top representing God over our lives? Who were we fooling? God wasn't in our lives before or during our marriage. I feel like a hypocrite. If I could just turn back time.

I hope he is faithful from now on. I just can't get out of my head that this feels so deja vu. Every year there has been another woman. Even if I didn't know about the second one and thought he was doing so good, she was there. Who will it be next year? Or the end of this year? He says he's more committed. How do I know? He still seems so distant some of the time. I want him to know the things he needs to change, but I also want him to want to do them. Not do them cause he is forced. 

I hate dreams. The sleeping kind. The kind that you really have no control over. They just play out for you while your sleeping and your forced to live through them. Some dreams like the one last night can be so tempting. It made me wish for a new beginning. No husband, no kids, and no responsibilities. But that's a fantasy. I live in reality. 

The reality hits me everyday. Constantly. I can't get away from it. I don't have two normal thoughts in a row. "It" always pops up in between. That's what I've started calling the affairs. It. It is eating me alive. I barely eat and when I do it's nothing substantial. I lay awake at night. I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I freak out at the kids constantly and I'm not enjoying them at all. I'm obsessed with "it". I get angry at him and I know he's probably reeling every time we are together. Well I guess even when we're apart and I talk to him on the phone. He's been doing a lot for me and I just can't look past it. I'm really going nuts.

JR got into the sand today. He tore up some of my dried roses that I carried on our wedding day and put them in the sand. I got mad at him but then I thought, "Why get mad?". I almost threw it away. I did throw away the flowers but the sand's still there. I pictured myself pouring it all in the trash. I want to so bad. Or better yet, I just want to throw it right in his face. He broke our vows. I was trying, but he had quit. Or more like never started. Why do I have to be the one that is home day after day looking at that stupid sand? I would hate myself for throwing it out, but what good is it doing now? Who really believes what that sand stands for? When all this is behind us for a few years and he is still wanting to stay faithful to me I want to get remarried. I want to pour more sand that actually means something. Sand that's not some stupid, fake symbol of our lives.

I really want to get better but I'm not willing to do what it takes to get there.