Dreams

I’m still so angry and I don’t know if I will ever trust him again. I don’t feel like anything is getting better either. He won’t talk to me. We haven’t had sex for a while. And I just can’t seem to get over all of it. I wish he would talk to me about it. It’s on my mind constantly yet he acts like it didn’t even happen. Or like it shouldn’t matter anymore. Well it does. It scares me to know that he thinks we would have been better off if I never found out. What!? So he could go off and have another affair easier? So he could make some excuse about going somewhere and end up in someone else’s arms? Yeah, it would have been better for him. This is why I don’t think he is serious and that he is planning on it happening again. Or maybe hoping it will.

I had all these hopes and dreams as a child/teenager. I wanted a man that loved me, cherished me, and was loyal. A man that would have given his own life for mine. Someone that thought I was the only one meant for  him. Well, that’s what I thought I had. He was funny, romantic, and treated me like a queen. I don’t know what happened. Maybe he got tired of me. Maybe I changed. Either way, at some point in our relationship, I knew I wasn’t happy anymore. I knew I wasn’t getting the things I wanted and had dreamed about. I was just too stubborn to admit it. I had given him too much of myself to back out. I thought things would change after we got married. I was so stupid and now I can’t go back.

I know in the future, with God’s help, I can forgive him. As of now, though, I don’t even see him trying to win my forgiveness. I know I’m not supposed to hinge forgiveness on the person’s behavior. It’s just so hard to even think it when I don’t feel like he wants it. He keeps asking me if I can see myself forgiving him. It feels as if he will run out clicking his heels if I say no. If I saw him trying, in the ways that matter to me, it would be way easier. The thing is he doesn’t even know what those ways are because he has never asked. This is why I feel like he really doesn’t care. He is trying on his own instead of simply talking to me and asking for help. I’m beginning to think he isn’t even sorry. Wouldn’t he do everything in his power to let me know he wants to change? Wouldn’t he at least find out what I need to forgive him?

I will end this post with a song that I used to love. I’m not really into country but this song was always exactly what I wanted from a man.

Now that I have a man and he hasn’t been faithful I guess I can say good bye to my dream of having one that will love and be faithful forever. I know in my heart he can be faithful again. We can get past this and he can earn back his faithfulness. But I need to see that this is what he wants. 

Until then, goodbye dreams….