Notes

Today I was cleaning our room and I came across notes that I had written to him. In a lot of them I was writing to apologize for fighting with him, or to apologize for something I had done wrong, or just a note to let him know I wanted to do better. It kind of made me upset because I feel like I’m always the one to make things right after we have an argument. Or at least I was. He is doing better about owning up to his mistakes. But what really made me upset was I wrote some of those notes while he was cheating on me. I wrote those notes apologizing for fighting with him when the reason we were fighting was him! Things weren’t right between us because he was off having sex with someone else. I knew things felt weird and I just thought it was because of my hormones from being pregnant. Now I know the truth. And the truth hurts. A lot.

I’m afraid I will have a hard time writing apology notes to him now. Maybe even apologizing in general. Like I’ve said before, I hate feeling stupid. Looking at those notes made me feel really stupid. He just took them and acted like it was my fault and then went on like normal. He let me take the fall for his mistakes time and time again. Some of the notes sounded like I was at the end of my rope trying to figure out what was going on with us. Did he not hear the desperation in them? Did he not see I wanted to have a better marriage? I know I started a lot of arguments, but mainly because I wanted to get to the bottom of things. I wanted to know why everything felt so foreign. I wanted to have our somewhat close relationship back. Every time I would try to bring it up we would end up fighting. How could he have been so heartless?

This is one thing I don’t understand. What made him turn around? Why is he all of a sudden a different person? He hurt me over and over. He was mean to me all the time. I couldn’t do anything that was right in his eyes. Then all at once he is sorry and trying so hard to be a better husband. What happened? Since it all changed so quickly I’m scared it will change again just as fast. I’m scared he will get tired of waiting for me to completely forgive him. I’m scared he will think there is no hope in our marriage and find someone else. I can’t see myself leaving him but I also can’t see myself ever completely forgiving him.

I’m feeling crushed under this huge weight of responsibility.