Relationships

This morning I’m writing with feelings of helplessness, shame, and confusion.

Helplessness

I’m at a total loss as to what to do with my relationship with him. I want things that I’m not getting. He reacts when I tell him. I probably don’t go to him in the right way. I hold things inside so long until they just explode. How do I fix this? How do I get over my fear of rejection? How do I let him know my fear? How do I trust him with my feelings when in the past he has reacted in the wrong way and made me feel stupid for even saying anything?

Shame

Why do I act the way I do? How can I get so angry I drive him farther and farther away? And how can he still love me after I get so angry and mean toward him? How can I treat my children the way I do when I know all the feelings I have aren’t their fault? How can I act the way I do and still expect him and the kids to love me?

Confusion

Why do I act the way I do? Why do I have this uncontrollable anger and restlessness? What do I do with these feelings rather than lash out? How do I get rid of them? How will we ever have a healthy relationship when we can’t even have a healthy conversation? Why do I want so much more than what I have? He comes home to me every night. He is kind and helpful toward me. He really is trying to be a good man. Why can’t I just let this be enough? Why do I have to have these feelings toward the kids? Why do I have these feelings at all?

I get so frustrated when I hear people talking about stupid mundane things that don’t matter. They don’t get it. Life is so much more than what someone was wearing or where they were eating or what they were doing. If you think your relationships are fine then you are stupid. They are work and constantly need to be maintained. People that have time on their hands to sit around and gossip must not have a relationship worth working on. I have so much work to do on my multiple relationships I cringe when I have to sit somewhere and talk about everyday things. I have work to do and it doesn’t get done talking about the weather.

I feel like a bitch and right now I’m not sure that I care. I just want something good to happen to me for once. 

Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. Sure I probably have had a few semi bad ones since I forgave him but this one was a little worse. I cried over the affair, which I haven’t done since I decided not to bring it up. I guess I’m so scared our relationship is going to go back to the way it was. We never communicated. We talked but not about things that mattered in our relationship. It’s starting to go back to that. After the affair, we talked a lot about our feelings and things that we wanted and needed because it was very relevant at the time. Now we have nothing to talk about. What are we supposed to say to each other?

I have a hard time voicing my feelings for several reasons. I’m so afraid of rejection. I’m afraid I will tell him how I feel and he will joke about it or not take me seriously. I’m afraid to tell him what I want or need because I’m afraid he won’t do it. I have told him in the past my feelings and he has done all the things I’m afraid he would do. He has hurt me in more ways than just being with other women. I can’t tell him this because he always gets so hurt and down on himself I can’t even reason with him. I’m so frustrated because it’s as if he would rather just live his life getting what he needs from me and forgetting what I need. I know he probably doesn’t think like this. He’s a man that’s just not motivated to do it.

This also hurts. I will do things that I like to do. One thing that I like to do is please others. Therefore, I will do the things Jon likes me to do because I want to please him and make him happy. He is not like this. I don’t know how to motivate him to love me the way I want and need. I know it’s not by nagging. I know it’s not by trying to get his attention through negative ways. And just telling him doesn’t seem to work. One thing that I know helps is focusing on him instead of me. This is really hard for me. I want to feel loved before I give him what he wants. It’s hard for me to do something for him when I don’t have good feelings toward him. I had a bad day, so why can’t I just expect him for a day or two to be there for me when I may not be at my best and forget about his self?

Whenever I write I always feel selfish. I feel like I am always down and discouraged. This is probably because the only time I feel like I need to write is when I am. I don’t want to be a selfish person, but I also don’t want to be the one in our relationship that is always giving without being prompted. Yes, I know he isn’t horrible. I know most times he is good at giving me what I need. But why does it feel like those times are only shortly after we have a full blown fight? I also know I used to ask for too much and when I got a little love and attention I was never satisfied. I think I’ve been doing good about that for years now, but he still brings it up whenever I let him know I need some time with him. He doesn’t see the good in me. He sees the bad, whether it’s in me today or two years ago.

I don’t think he wants to be with me. If he really loved me wouldn’t he at least try to give me what I want? I know it’s not the first thing he wants to do. I know it goes against his grain. I know it doesn’t come naturally. What about the things I do? It doesn’t come naturally for me to everyday try and respect someone that has hurt me the way he has. It doesn’t come naturally for me to give him space when the one thing I want from him is attention. I do it anyway! He overlooks everything I do and then doesn’t do what I need because he thinks I’m asking too much. After all the things I try and do for him? Don’t I deserve a little bit of gratitude from him? I’m so discouraged. I try and try and try for so long to give him what he wants and needs but I’m left with nothing.

I wonder sometimes if he thinks he is the only one with temptations. I have them too. When I see a man giving his wife or girlfriend attention that I crave I get jealous. Before I know it I’m thinking what it would be like to have a man like that and I’m resenting my husband. He doesn’t realize how often at night I dream that a man likes me and is giving me all the attention I need, and it’s not him. I wake up wishing I could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming. Go back to that fantasy that someone loves me and wants to make me happy. I wake up feeling dissatisfied with him because I don’t know when I will ever feel loved like that for more than a week or two at a time. I’m glad no man has ever approached me and made me feel loved and special because I don’t know what I would do. I have temptations too. I just don’t have a means to yield to them. I have kids and a husband I feel like I need to take care of right now.

What will it take to get him to see that by not giving me love and attention I’m slowly beginning to resent him? 

Looking ahead

Things have been going well. I guess you can probably tell by the silence from me. I recently decided to put the whole affair behind me. I was punishing him in my own way. I can see that now, and I can honestly say that it probably wasn’t the most mature thing to do. I thought if I would verbally forgive him I would somehow be condoning his actions. Now I see that forgiving him was the only way we were going to move forward.

Since I have forgave him I haven’t thought about it as much. One reason is, I decided not to bring the subject up unless it was necessary. So I’m trying hard not to bring it up in arguments or even just daily discussions. It has helped me keep my mind off of it. I just tell myself that the past is in the past. It doesn’t need to be brought up to help us in the present. He did it and now we are moving forward.

If you would have told me three months ago that I would be feeling this way I would have laughed, or cried. I just never thought I would be able to get over it. I’m glad I’m beginning to. It’s still hard to trust him. I can’t get out of my mind that it might happen again. I guess that will just take time. In the past it happened about once a year so maybe if it hasn’t happened again in a year or two then I will be able to trust him completely again.

I quit going to counseling. Every time I went I thought about the affair because that’s the reason I was going. I didn’t think it would help me out to be reminded once a week and then come home and treat him like it had just happened all over again. I have a bad tendency to do that so I thought it best to not even be tempted.

I’m still having a lot of issues with my hormones from having CJ. I’m really crabby and angry most days. We get along good other than days we are together a lot like today. I don’t understand why. When we have days like this I wonder if we will ever be able to get along. I hope it’s just the hormones. I don’t want the rest of our lives to be like this.

I’m also still having problems with JR. I think it’s a lack of positive attention toward him. I just get so impatient with him. He doesn’t listen and it seems as if he wants to be bad on purpose. I love him but most days I just can’t stand the way he acts. I’m hoping this also can be attributed to hormones but I know I can’t use that as an excuse. I need to learn how to be patient and how to give him the right kind of attention.

I’m glad things are going good. I just wish I knew whether our relationship was better or if we are slipping back into our old groove.

Revenge

I did something last week that I’m now second guessing my actions. When I was “stalking”, as he calls it, LaDonna’s facebook I noticed she had just become engaged. This made me really mad. Her life was going on peachy. So peachy that she found some guy that actually wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I’m sitting here with a husband that at one point wanted to leave me but didn’t have the guts. So I decided to get my own type of revenge. Most cases bad idea. My case, I haven’t decided yet. I got out my trusty unknown number and started texting her acting like I was some guy heartbroken over her engagement. I mentioned something about the married man she was dating and she said she would like to kick his ass. This made me chuckle because being a small woman I once asked him if I would win in a fight against her. He said definitely. I’m not sure if it was because of my anger toward her or her size but either way, if I couldn’t beat him up I really doubt she could. She acted like she wished it had never happened and that he had hurt her bad. This made me think a little differently about her.

It got to the point where she stopped texting because she didn’t know me and she was happily in love with her fiancé. After my epiphany that she may actually be more human that I had once thought, I decided to message her on facebook. Confess that it was me texting and tell her a few things that were on my mind. It was a very civilized message and I was quite proud that I had kept my temper to myself. I did this early Friday morning when I couldn’t sleep. I actually expected a response. He thought I would get a very angry message. He said even though I thought the message was civilized she would take it differently. He said she is anything but logical. She has some family history of mental illness. So now I’m going nuts wondering if she will reply.

Maybe she is hunting me down. Ha, wouldn’t that be funny? Ok, so maybe not. I don’t want to put my kids in danger. I really couldn’t care less about him because he was the one that started all this mess in the first place. And I’m not really the type to worry about my own safety. If she wants to beat me to a pulp so be it. I don’t care. And then I think maybe she is writing up a really huge message, full of hate or apology I really couldn’t tell you. I want to hear a reply back from her. I want to know what she thinks about all of it. Why do I care? I don’t know. I just do.

The mind movies have started again. All those little films I play in my head, the ones that play when I don’t want them to. Sometimes I start them on my own, though. I want to watch and get depressed and angry about the whole thing. My main question every time the film is rolling is why did he do it? Why me? How can he go on with life as if nothing happened? I feel so sick every time I watch them touch, and kiss, and do the things that only him and I were supposed to do. I want to cry and never stop. I wonder if I will ever get over it. I wonder if I can ever trust him again. I wonder if he will one day miss it and find someone else. I thought I was doing so good, but here I am again.

I feel another bad day coming on….

I need some excitement!

Things are going very well. So why do I feel so awful, so bored? I’m bored of the mundane day to day routine, bored of my family, bored of life in general. I’m a loner. I love being at home. One or two nights a week out of the house is usually plenty for me. And the bonus, I usually get to pick where we go out to eat. Yeah, I guess I do have a boring life. It never bothered me before, but the last couple of days I just wish for some excitement. I look at my phone constantly hoping to have a text. I look at Facebook wishing one of the “other women” in my life have changed their profile pic or posted something new. I feel so pathetic.

I wonder if he feels this way. After all the secrets and excitement of an affair, he has to be going crazy with the boredom. This is one reason why I can’t help but think he is hiding someone or going to cheat again. This feeling is driving me crazy and I’ve never had any kind of real excitement in my life since we’ve been married. He on the other hand has and knows how it feels and has means to make it happen. I have kids to take care of everyday so there is no way I can do something like that. It’s starting to scare me more and more. Why when things are going so good do I have to have these stupid feelings?

I probably should have gone a little wild and crazy before I started dating and got married. Maybe then I would have gotten all these feelings out of my system. I don’t even know what to do to get rid of them. I wonder if something is wrong. I feel kind of panicky and like my body will explode if I don’t find somehow to release all this energy. I feel hot and air heady. I think I need a vacation. Ha! What’s that? I just hope I don’t go and do something drastic to get rid of this feeling. If we had some in the house I would take a glass of wine and soak in the tub! I really think I’m going a little loopy in the head. I just wonder, why now?

So I took a lot of words to try and describe how I’m feeling. I don’t even think I got close!

Kids

I'm folding baby clothes. The last thing on earth I want to be doing. I hate being a mom. My first biggest mistake was getting married. And no, not just cause of who I married. I shouldn't have married anyone, at all. My second biggest mistake was having kids. I'm not a baby person. Not really a kid person in general. Sure other people's kids I can tolerate. I get to see them for a little then they go away. If it weren't for his great desire to have kids we may not have any right now. I don't know why he wanted any in the first place. He cheated on me both times I was pregnant. Good grief. What was the point?

I'm going crazy. He doesn't believe me. Will he believe me after someone turns me in when they hear me screaming at the top of my lungs through our open windows? Will he believe me when he comes home to find our child's eyes bright red because he has been crying all day? He can't seem to do anything right for mom. Will he believe me after our child starts talking and tells him that he was locked in his room? He thinks I'm overreacting or exaggerating. I'm not. I feel awful, but what can I do? The one person I feel comfortable with telling half of the truth won't listen to even that.

I don't want to be a mom. I want to be able to work part time and keep my house nice. Get the laundry, dishes, and bathroom cleaned whenever I want. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to wear my nice junior sized clothes that fit. I hate my stretch marks and my fat tummy. Sure big boobs are a plus but I don't plan on breast feeding my whole life! I want to be able to go away whenever. Plan long road trips ( I loved to travel before kids). Save up money each month. Sleep in on the weekends. I want to live my life my way, not my kids' way.

I wish I could get some help, but in order to have help I need to tell someone the truth and actually have them believe me.


I do love my kids. I wish now I wouldn't have had them. I brought them into a crazy messed up marriage. I don't abuse them. I just get so aggravated and have days when I wouldn't think it impossible to. I've felt so awful every since CJ has been born. Stress is a killer. I just wish I could die.

Satisfied?

You know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you just know something bad is going to happen? I feel that a lot. I know I love him. I know I can forgive him and partially forget. But whenever I think about it I get this feeling that it will happen again. It’s happened three times in as many years. How do I argue that with myself? I know we are both really trying but what if that’s not enough?

He’s being more honest with me then he ever has been. This is one consolation. He is also more open with me than ever before.  My biggest thing is what is going to stop him from doing it again? I wish he would give me something I can do to help him. Or find someone he can be accountable to. It would make me feel so much better if he would have someone helping other than me. He has no interest in counseling and that scares me. I’m sure he could learn ways to avoid and deal with temptations.

I want our marriage to be better. I’m tired of not feeling completely satisfied with him. I want to be able to tell him this but right now I feel like if I throw anything on him he will think it’s too hard and give up. I’m the one that needs to get over my wants and just be satisfied with what I get. He needs to focus on staying faithful. I don’t have any reason to believe I can or will cheat so I can live without getting what I want or need. He on the other hand can’t live without his wants and needs met. I definitely found that out the hard way. I need to focus on him. But I still can’t help but wonder when it will be my turn.

We were driving somewhere recently and this song came on the radio. I had to cry a little listening to it.

I sometimes wish there was a way I could turn off my love for him. It would protect me from getting hurt again. I’m so tired of hurting.