My man

I'm beginning to realize what a good man I have. He hurt me. He made mistakes. He is growing into a man I'm learning to love and admire. It took me awhile to see the changes and the effort he is making. I see now that he is in it for the long haul. I won't say he will never make another mistake again because he probably will. But I know now that he won't be making the mistake because he isn't committed.

I was ready to hurt him. I was ready to get even. I wanted him to pay.  I ended up doing things that I realize now were wrong. I knew it to begin with but didn't care how it would affect him. He let me go. He let me learn things that I never would have learned had he stopped me. I learned the grass isn't greener on the other side. I learned I have the man I do for a reason. I learned I really do love him. I have finally come to the point that I can say I'm glad I married him.

I have an idea now why he did what he did. I also have an even greater idea why he came back to me and is ready to be my husband. I'm ready to close this chapter in my life and truly move forward and love the man God has given me. I'm ready to be the woman he needs. I'm ready to love him with my whole heart.

This feels good.

Forgiveness

It’s about a year now that he was with LaDonna for the first time. It’s hard knowing now what was going on then. I wondered what had changed between us and at the time really didn’t think he could do something like that to me. I was oblivious. I should have seen it. I guess I was too busy or maybe I was to the point of really not caring. Initially, after I realized our relationship had changed, I tried hard to connect with him again. I probably tried too hard, in my own way. I nagged and we fought and I really tried to get him to see what was happening. In reality he knew exactly what was happening. I was the one that was clueless. After a while I just quit trying. I guess I am thankful it is over and we’ve come this far.

In about two weeks we have an annual show we go to, an antique show type thing. I asked if she was there last year because she doesn’t live far from it. He said she was and that she usually goes. What do I do? I may see the woman my husband has been with. I may have to look at her. I guess it wouldn’t be a have to. I won’t be able to take my eyes off her. I want to see her. I want to know what she has that I didn’t. I want to know what is so great about her that he would leave me while I’m pregnant with his child. I still don’t understand it. I still think about it. I’m so self-conscious right now. I look at myself in the mirror and realize I am prettier than her. But it’s obviously not about looks. I then look inward and I don’t like what I see. I said I forgave him. I may have lied. I said I will one day forgive them. I may have lied again. I sometimes hate him more then I love him. I know I hate them. What kind of a Christian am I?

Sunday in church the preacher was talking about forgiveness. It was a message meant for me. I’m so imperfect I don’t know how I ever thought I was better than him. Yes, he cheated and I remained faithful. But I can’t forgive him and he is becoming a better man every day. Some things the preacher said made me think.

*I haven’t forgiven if I can’t imagine giving that person a hug.

*We can deceive ourselves into thinking we have forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t the act of controlling our hateful feelings it’s by actively showing that person love.

*Jesus told us to forgive someone 70 x 7 times. If someone comes to me over and over saying they’re sorry for the same hurtful thing they have done to me, I am supposed to forgive them each and every time.

*Mercy is treating someone better then they deserve.

*To err is human, to forgive is divine. I need to ask God for help in forgiving someone. I can’t do it on my own. If I can’t forgive someone it’s because I haven’t asked for help.

I don’t know if I even want to ask for help. I really don’t want to forgive. But another thing I need to think about is if I don’t forgive, God won’t forgive me. I need help. I need to forgive. I don’t want to forgive. I want to stay angry and make them see how wrong they all are. I want them to see how much they hurt me and my family. I want them to pay.

I hate my life. I wish I never would have met him. 

Two Different Pages

Why can’t we just get along? If we are together for just one day we self-destruct. I’m tired of it and it would be nice to know why. Sure I know if I would just keep my mouth shut most of the time there would be no arguments. But what do I do when he makes me feel like an idiot in his presence? For example: Last night we were watching the Olympics and during a commercial I tell him something about a relative of mine and he acts like that was the last thing he would have liked to been listening to. That just kind of set the whole evening off. That along with the ac not working well where we were at, one kid into everything and the other not wanting to nurse but won’t stop crying because he and I are both hot, and the hubby just sitting there and only taking action when I direct his attention to a problem. I’m sick of feeling like I’m the only one that can make things happen or that is capable of getting things done.

Another thing I feel like he doesn’t care about is our relationship. I try to ask him every so often how he is doing because the last thing I want is another affair happening. If I can try and prevent it by checking in with him I will do that as much as it takes. But why doesn’t he do the same thing for me? Does he just expect everything to be hunky dorey now that I forgave him? I’m struggling way more then I let it show. I try to tell him and he always makes me feel stupid for coming to him to talk about it. I know I can easily be made to feel stupid and I’m trying to work on that. But that still doesn’t excuse his lack of interest in me. He thinks I’m really selfish and he makes me feel that way when I tell him what I need from him. I need to hear that I’m the only one he wants and needs. I need to hear that there is no one else and that he never wants it to happen again. I need to hear that he doesn’t ever want to hurt me that way again. And I just want him to check in with me. Just ask me how I’m doing. How my day was, not in relation to the kids or how much I got done, but in relation to my thoughts about the affair. And no, I don’t want to bring the whole subject up all the time. I just want to know that he cares about whether I’m doing all right or need a shoulder to cry one.

I still think about it a lot. Not near as much as before, and I can more easily put it to the back of my mind now. I know it’s not good to dwell on it. When I do the only thing that comes out of it is self-pity and I know I don’t need any more of that. What I think about and worry about is him. Is he where he said he is? Does he message women on Facebook? Does he miss it? Am I giving him what he wants and needs? Does he even like me? What is he thinking? I guess I wish I knew him better. It’s hard to get to know someone, though, if they don’t want to be known. I don’t know how to talk to him. I try and it seems he runs scared every time. I know in the past I made the whole talking thing a bigger deal then it should have been and now he just gets scared every time I mention it. But I’m slowly feeling resentment about everything, his lack of interest, the lack of meaningful conversation, and his lack of desire for me.

I don’t want to think that it will happen again but I’m afraid if things keep going the way they are it will. And it may not even be him this time. I desire for someone to tell me certain things so much that I would be willing to hear it from just about anyone. He’s making me feel bitter and angry and resentful. I don’t want to be that kind of person. But how do I keep giving and giving when I only get back a fraction of what I give? Probably if this would ever come up in one of those meaningful conversations I want to have he would make me feel like I want too much from him and in the end I probably would agree. I want more the more I get. But could this be because I barely get what I really want to begin with? If I got what I wanted more often than I would know it was coming and I could rest assured that I don’t have to gobble it up and ask for more all at once.

What do I really want? Assurance, romance, conversation, companionship, passion, desire, security, love, interest, fun, touch, playfulness, spice, honesty, unity, connection, peace. I guess I want our relationship to feel like your own bed when you’re completely worn out or were gone on a long trip. But also like a much needed vacation to a place you’ve never been. I guess what I want the most right now is to feel completely comfortable with him. So comfortable that I can say whatever is on my mind and trust that he will take it the way I meant and not overreact. I want to feel like I can be myself and not have to worry about rejection. I want to be able to tell him what I want and need and not have to worry about what he will think of me and whether he will do it or not. I want to feel wanted and needed. I want to know that I’m the only woman that he needs.

Is our relationship the only one that seems to be on two completely different pages?    

Doubts

So, the one year anniversary of when it all started with LaDonna is coming up. Yeah I’ve been thinking about it all the last couple of days. We went to watch a friend play softball last night and all I could think about was the last time we were there. I was pregnant and we were going to tell these same friends about it. It would have been right around the time “it” happened. Stuff like that reminds me of it and lets me know that even though I’ve forgiven him I will never forget.

There are so many things I want to talk with him about but there are so many more reasons why I don’t feel comfortable doing so. My fear of rejection comes to mind again, and also the fact that I don’t want to be the one to remind him of it. We always seem to get in an argument whenever I bring it up. And last but not least he hates talking to me. I have things that I need to hear from him to know that things are going ok. I’m not hearing them therefore I wonder if things are ok. He was really sweet last night so that makes it a little better. I just wish he would get over his awful fear of talking.

Something that’s driving me crazy right now is other women! Yes it’s shorts season. I don’t wear shorts, I wear skirts. I have a few short skirts but they are still knee length. I always get jealous of other women that have nice tan looking legs with shorts on that barely cover their butt and that wear tank tops and shirts that show a lot of boob. I never know what he is seeing. What is it doing to him? And why doesn’t he tell me he likes how I look with my skirts and high necked, sleeved shirts? I know what he thought of me before the latest affair but what about now? Does he still think I’m sexy when I’m very modestly dressed? I just wish I knew.

I’ve forgiven him for what he’s done, and I know I’m moving forward, but all the doubts are still there. Is he really where he says he is? Does he think about having sex with other women? Does he look at pictures of other women? Can I trust him? And it’s not like I can ask him. It would be classified as nagging if I went to him every time I had doubts and asked him these questions. I just want reassurance and I’m not sure how to ask for it. I want to know he’s changed.

Now that I’ve been trying to not bring it up and leave it in the past I wonder if he knows how much I’m still hurting. I wonder if he realizes how much I still think about it or how often it has the potential to ruin my day. I usually try to not let it but it’s something I have to work on. There are so many areas of life that are tainted by it. I can’t look at CJ without thinking about it. I was pregnant with him when it happened last and I think that maybe he doesn’t love CJ as much because of it. I know that’s not true but that’s what I feel and think a lot. I hate it. I hate thinking bad about him. I hate thinking he isn’t a great dad and that he could be so cruel. And most of all I hate that I feel like I can’t have an open honest conversation with him. I just want to talk.

Doubts, doubts go away. Come again another day.

Relationships

This morning I’m writing with feelings of helplessness, shame, and confusion.

Helplessness

I’m at a total loss as to what to do with my relationship with him. I want things that I’m not getting. He reacts when I tell him. I probably don’t go to him in the right way. I hold things inside so long until they just explode. How do I fix this? How do I get over my fear of rejection? How do I let him know my fear? How do I trust him with my feelings when in the past he has reacted in the wrong way and made me feel stupid for even saying anything?

Shame

Why do I act the way I do? How can I get so angry I drive him farther and farther away? And how can he still love me after I get so angry and mean toward him? How can I treat my children the way I do when I know all the feelings I have aren’t their fault? How can I act the way I do and still expect him and the kids to love me?

Confusion

Why do I act the way I do? Why do I have this uncontrollable anger and restlessness? What do I do with these feelings rather than lash out? How do I get rid of them? How will we ever have a healthy relationship when we can’t even have a healthy conversation? Why do I want so much more than what I have? He comes home to me every night. He is kind and helpful toward me. He really is trying to be a good man. Why can’t I just let this be enough? Why do I have to have these feelings toward the kids? Why do I have these feelings at all?

I get so frustrated when I hear people talking about stupid mundane things that don’t matter. They don’t get it. Life is so much more than what someone was wearing or where they were eating or what they were doing. If you think your relationships are fine then you are stupid. They are work and constantly need to be maintained. People that have time on their hands to sit around and gossip must not have a relationship worth working on. I have so much work to do on my multiple relationships I cringe when I have to sit somewhere and talk about everyday things. I have work to do and it doesn’t get done talking about the weather.

I feel like a bitch and right now I’m not sure that I care. I just want something good to happen to me for once. 

Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. Sure I probably have had a few semi bad ones since I forgave him but this one was a little worse. I cried over the affair, which I haven’t done since I decided not to bring it up. I guess I’m so scared our relationship is going to go back to the way it was. We never communicated. We talked but not about things that mattered in our relationship. It’s starting to go back to that. After the affair, we talked a lot about our feelings and things that we wanted and needed because it was very relevant at the time. Now we have nothing to talk about. What are we supposed to say to each other?

I have a hard time voicing my feelings for several reasons. I’m so afraid of rejection. I’m afraid I will tell him how I feel and he will joke about it or not take me seriously. I’m afraid to tell him what I want or need because I’m afraid he won’t do it. I have told him in the past my feelings and he has done all the things I’m afraid he would do. He has hurt me in more ways than just being with other women. I can’t tell him this because he always gets so hurt and down on himself I can’t even reason with him. I’m so frustrated because it’s as if he would rather just live his life getting what he needs from me and forgetting what I need. I know he probably doesn’t think like this. He’s a man that’s just not motivated to do it.

This also hurts. I will do things that I like to do. One thing that I like to do is please others. Therefore, I will do the things Jon likes me to do because I want to please him and make him happy. He is not like this. I don’t know how to motivate him to love me the way I want and need. I know it’s not by nagging. I know it’s not by trying to get his attention through negative ways. And just telling him doesn’t seem to work. One thing that I know helps is focusing on him instead of me. This is really hard for me. I want to feel loved before I give him what he wants. It’s hard for me to do something for him when I don’t have good feelings toward him. I had a bad day, so why can’t I just expect him for a day or two to be there for me when I may not be at my best and forget about his self?

Whenever I write I always feel selfish. I feel like I am always down and discouraged. This is probably because the only time I feel like I need to write is when I am. I don’t want to be a selfish person, but I also don’t want to be the one in our relationship that is always giving without being prompted. Yes, I know he isn’t horrible. I know most times he is good at giving me what I need. But why does it feel like those times are only shortly after we have a full blown fight? I also know I used to ask for too much and when I got a little love and attention I was never satisfied. I think I’ve been doing good about that for years now, but he still brings it up whenever I let him know I need some time with him. He doesn’t see the good in me. He sees the bad, whether it’s in me today or two years ago.

I don’t think he wants to be with me. If he really loved me wouldn’t he at least try to give me what I want? I know it’s not the first thing he wants to do. I know it goes against his grain. I know it doesn’t come naturally. What about the things I do? It doesn’t come naturally for me to everyday try and respect someone that has hurt me the way he has. It doesn’t come naturally for me to give him space when the one thing I want from him is attention. I do it anyway! He overlooks everything I do and then doesn’t do what I need because he thinks I’m asking too much. After all the things I try and do for him? Don’t I deserve a little bit of gratitude from him? I’m so discouraged. I try and try and try for so long to give him what he wants and needs but I’m left with nothing.

I wonder sometimes if he thinks he is the only one with temptations. I have them too. When I see a man giving his wife or girlfriend attention that I crave I get jealous. Before I know it I’m thinking what it would be like to have a man like that and I’m resenting my husband. He doesn’t realize how often at night I dream that a man likes me and is giving me all the attention I need, and it’s not him. I wake up wishing I could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming. Go back to that fantasy that someone loves me and wants to make me happy. I wake up feeling dissatisfied with him because I don’t know when I will ever feel loved like that for more than a week or two at a time. I’m glad no man has ever approached me and made me feel loved and special because I don’t know what I would do. I have temptations too. I just don’t have a means to yield to them. I have kids and a husband I feel like I need to take care of right now.

What will it take to get him to see that by not giving me love and attention I’m slowly beginning to resent him? 

Looking ahead

Things have been going well. I guess you can probably tell by the silence from me. I recently decided to put the whole affair behind me. I was punishing him in my own way. I can see that now, and I can honestly say that it probably wasn’t the most mature thing to do. I thought if I would verbally forgive him I would somehow be condoning his actions. Now I see that forgiving him was the only way we were going to move forward.

Since I have forgave him I haven’t thought about it as much. One reason is, I decided not to bring the subject up unless it was necessary. So I’m trying hard not to bring it up in arguments or even just daily discussions. It has helped me keep my mind off of it. I just tell myself that the past is in the past. It doesn’t need to be brought up to help us in the present. He did it and now we are moving forward.

If you would have told me three months ago that I would be feeling this way I would have laughed, or cried. I just never thought I would be able to get over it. I’m glad I’m beginning to. It’s still hard to trust him. I can’t get out of my mind that it might happen again. I guess that will just take time. In the past it happened about once a year so maybe if it hasn’t happened again in a year or two then I will be able to trust him completely again.

I quit going to counseling. Every time I went I thought about the affair because that’s the reason I was going. I didn’t think it would help me out to be reminded once a week and then come home and treat him like it had just happened all over again. I have a bad tendency to do that so I thought it best to not even be tempted.

I’m still having a lot of issues with my hormones from having CJ. I’m really crabby and angry most days. We get along good other than days we are together a lot like today. I don’t understand why. When we have days like this I wonder if we will ever be able to get along. I hope it’s just the hormones. I don’t want the rest of our lives to be like this.

I’m also still having problems with JR. I think it’s a lack of positive attention toward him. I just get so impatient with him. He doesn’t listen and it seems as if he wants to be bad on purpose. I love him but most days I just can’t stand the way he acts. I’m hoping this also can be attributed to hormones but I know I can’t use that as an excuse. I need to learn how to be patient and how to give him the right kind of attention.

I’m glad things are going good. I just wish I knew whether our relationship was better or if we are slipping back into our old groove.