Stuck

Today is a hard day. I can see how this was a wake up call for our marriage. But why did the wake up call have to be an affair? Why not some other much less painful way? Maybe this is a wake up call for myself too. I was 18 when I started dating him. To say that I was overly infatuated would be putting it mildly. I had a very low self esteem and didn't think anyone would ever want to date me let alone like me. When this 21 year old showed interest in me I was blown away. I didn't listen to the signs of his behavior, neither did I listen to those around me cautioning me. I just thought if I let him go nobody else would ever want me. So to make a long story short, I now know that I'm way better of a person then I thought. I know there would have been other guys. I know to listen to those around me more. I know to be aware of the signs and listen to my own intuition.

I still get angry when I think of it. No matter how horrible I may have been acting I know I didn't deserve this. I don't know how to let go of all this hate toward him. I want to move forward but I'm really not sure how. I want to have a happy marriage but how does that work when I'm so afraid of what he will do to me next? I'm afraid of what goes through his mind. The things he doesn't tell me. Does he crave pictures of other women? Does he want to be intimate physically or emotionally with others? Is he just biding his time? Waiting til things simmer down so he can do it all over again? I just wish he would share with me more how he is feeling.

He wants so bad to take more firefighting training and then join a paid fire department. I know that won't happen right away but I still wonder what I will do when it does. I really want this for him. It would make me happy to see him doing something he enjoys. I'm just not sure how I will be able to handle it. When he is gone 24- 48 hours at a time how am I going to be able to trust that he is at the station and not in someone else's bed? Or that he is not getting friendly with some firefighter he is working with? 

I feel so stupid. How could I not know something was going on? How did I not know he was lying right to my face? How could I not know he was having sex with someone else? Sure I suspected something more was going on then he was saying but did I ever really believe it? No. I should have checked him out more. Made sure he was where he said he was. I should have asked him more questions. I should have never believed him. I should have listened to my intuition. So is my intuition screwed up now? It's screaming, "He is not over this. He will do it again. He misses it." Who do I listen to? 

I was thinking about it all the other day and realized he took something else away from me that I enjoyed. When we were dating we would make out in his jeep. A lot! We were sneaking around cause neither of our parents would have approved of how physical we were while just dating. So we would go out on a date and then park somewhere after we ate. Ever since we have been married we don't do it anymore but I miss it. And now how are we supposed to without thinking of that little scank? It makes me sad and very angry thinking about it! I would love to just park somewhere after a date and make out with my husband before we have to go and pick up the kids. Did he know this about me? Does he know what he took away from me? I don't even feel like I have a right to be happy with him. Like I can't even have fun when we are out on a date. I'm not the only woman he has been alone with. Nothing is special to us anymore. He has shared everything with others. How do I move forward from that?

I'm stuck and how to I get out of this rut?