Notes

Today I was cleaning our room and I came across notes that I had written to him. In a lot of them I was writing to apologize for fighting with him, or to apologize for something I had done wrong, or just a note to let him know I wanted to do better. It kind of made me upset because I feel like I’m always the one to make things right after we have an argument. Or at least I was. He is doing better about owning up to his mistakes. But what really made me upset was I wrote some of those notes while he was cheating on me. I wrote those notes apologizing for fighting with him when the reason we were fighting was him! Things weren’t right between us because he was off having sex with someone else. I knew things felt weird and I just thought it was because of my hormones from being pregnant. Now I know the truth. And the truth hurts. A lot.

I’m afraid I will have a hard time writing apology notes to him now. Maybe even apologizing in general. Like I’ve said before, I hate feeling stupid. Looking at those notes made me feel really stupid. He just took them and acted like it was my fault and then went on like normal. He let me take the fall for his mistakes time and time again. Some of the notes sounded like I was at the end of my rope trying to figure out what was going on with us. Did he not hear the desperation in them? Did he not see I wanted to have a better marriage? I know I started a lot of arguments, but mainly because I wanted to get to the bottom of things. I wanted to know why everything felt so foreign. I wanted to have our somewhat close relationship back. Every time I would try to bring it up we would end up fighting. How could he have been so heartless?

This is one thing I don’t understand. What made him turn around? Why is he all of a sudden a different person? He hurt me over and over. He was mean to me all the time. I couldn’t do anything that was right in his eyes. Then all at once he is sorry and trying so hard to be a better husband. What happened? Since it all changed so quickly I’m scared it will change again just as fast. I’m scared he will get tired of waiting for me to completely forgive him. I’m scared he will think there is no hope in our marriage and find someone else. I can’t see myself leaving him but I also can’t see myself ever completely forgiving him.

I’m feeling crushed under this huge weight of responsibility.

Weddings

Saturday we went to a wedding. I never knew I would come to hate them. I used to love them. Now all I can think is what a huge waste of time and money. They probably won't last and if they do they probably won't be happy. Then Sunday in church his mom had a praise report in church about their wedding anniversary, 35 years. The same woman that has had a part in ruining my life and marriage is actually happy about being married? And to someone that cheated also? I know he was talking to some woman. Not sure how far it went but still. How can you thank God for that but force your own son to get married to someone he doesn't want to, and then attack him when he does the same thing your own husband does? I hate people in love.

When I said those vows on our wedding day I meant them.  I intend to follow through on the til death do us part. I'm not sure how my partner feels about that. I guess I really don't think he is serious about the whole thing. We are planning on going to a Marriage Restored weekend the beginning of June. If he really takes me and participates and is serious about the whole thing I may be convinced then. Right now I just feel like he is biding his time until it is safe to cheat again. I hate feeling stupid and that's how I feel. It will be a long time before I trust him to not make me feel stupid again.

On a side note, I am always looking at LaDonna's facebook. Yeah, stupid, I know. It's like an addiction. I want to know why she is so much better then me that he had to go to her, text her, and look at her pictures. She posted today, "So confused right now :(". Your so confused???? You were the one fucking around with my husband and then when he didn't want you anymore you went and jumped into the next pair of pants that let you. And he must be just as stupid. He just met you at a freakin grocery store. How pathetic are you? And you think your confused? Let's call it for what it is, stupidity. I'm the one that's confused. Your just stupid.

Sorry. That was my rant for the day.

All the Feelings

He's mad at me because of the way I'm acting. If he would just know the emotions I'm feeling maybe then he would understand. If he could just feel and think everything I do maybe he wouldn't be so hard on me about the way I act. The smallest thing reminds me of all the pain. He goes from day to day like nothing is wrong. He jokes and teases, then asks me what is wrong when I don't join in. I'll tell you what's wrong. I think of Marsha anytime he says something about my mom's age. I think of LaDonna whenever I see my own stretch marks. I think of Jessica whenever we hear a Carrie Underwood song. And that's just one thing that reminds me of each of them. Trust me, there is a whole lot more. I can't get away from them. Every town we go to I'm reminded of some girl. I even dream about them. They are controlling my life.

I know I have been horrible to live with lately. And my emotions aren't all about the affair either. I just had a baby and my emotions went haywire with my first one too. Everything combined is going to drive him away or to another woman. I'm so tired of feeling so up and down. It's like my emotions are a goolash casserole. everything and anything thrown in together.

I think he may call it quits if I keep acting this way. I wish he would just be a little more sympathetic. I'm not trying to be awful, I just feel like I can't control it. To top it all off it's really hard for me to cry right now. I know I would feel better if I could more often, but it takes alot to set me off. I think it's part of the whole baby thing. So I have all this emotion and no outlet for it. It just simmers until I can get him to argue with me. I know it's wrong but it's one way it relieves all the tension inside.

I'm really struggling with my feelings toward him. I want to do something to hurt him. Find a guy to talk to but I know that's wrong. I probably wouldn't but I guess it's the thought that makes me feel guilty. He would leave me if I would ever do something stupid like that. Why don't I have enough guts to leave him? I don't want to be alone. I know that's the main reason. I don't believe in divorce and remarriage for any reason so I would leave him and then live alone the rest of my life. I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Not saying I don't want to live happily with him. I do. It would just be nice to have that option if he would ever do this to me again. I think if he would do it again I would leave him but then it's the lonely life for me. I hate myself for this weakness.

Another reason I'm scared of leaving is then he may do whatever he wants. It would kill me to know that right after I left he was going around seeing other women. It would hurt alot to know he just couldn't wait to get rid of me. This is how I think he feels sometimes. I wish I felt like he really cared about me. That he really liked me and wanted to be with me. I so often feel like I'm who he had to get married to instead of who he wanted to marry. It's gotten better in the last year or two but now that this has come up I really feel like he would rather have had anyone but me. I hate feeling so down on myself but what else do you think when your husband leaves you at home to be with other women? It's me. I'm not good enough to keep him here.

I feel way too young to be so sad about life. I should be out partying and living it up. But instead I'm at home writing on some blog where people don't even know my real name cause there is no one around me that knows the truth. No one that cares enough to see how my marriage is going. No one that we are close enough to that could tell he was dissatisfied with me or that I was not enough for him. Do we live such shallow lives and have such shallow friendships that no one can even tell that I've been really down lately? Or that he had been so distant and mean to me? I want to live life to the fullest but how do you do that when you feel like such a shallow thing?

I'm tired of living this lie.

Stuck

Today is a hard day. I can see how this was a wake up call for our marriage. But why did the wake up call have to be an affair? Why not some other much less painful way? Maybe this is a wake up call for myself too. I was 18 when I started dating him. To say that I was overly infatuated would be putting it mildly. I had a very low self esteem and didn't think anyone would ever want to date me let alone like me. When this 21 year old showed interest in me I was blown away. I didn't listen to the signs of his behavior, neither did I listen to those around me cautioning me. I just thought if I let him go nobody else would ever want me. So to make a long story short, I now know that I'm way better of a person then I thought. I know there would have been other guys. I know to listen to those around me more. I know to be aware of the signs and listen to my own intuition.

I still get angry when I think of it. No matter how horrible I may have been acting I know I didn't deserve this. I don't know how to let go of all this hate toward him. I want to move forward but I'm really not sure how. I want to have a happy marriage but how does that work when I'm so afraid of what he will do to me next? I'm afraid of what goes through his mind. The things he doesn't tell me. Does he crave pictures of other women? Does he want to be intimate physically or emotionally with others? Is he just biding his time? Waiting til things simmer down so he can do it all over again? I just wish he would share with me more how he is feeling.

He wants so bad to take more firefighting training and then join a paid fire department. I know that won't happen right away but I still wonder what I will do when it does. I really want this for him. It would make me happy to see him doing something he enjoys. I'm just not sure how I will be able to handle it. When he is gone 24- 48 hours at a time how am I going to be able to trust that he is at the station and not in someone else's bed? Or that he is not getting friendly with some firefighter he is working with? 

I feel so stupid. How could I not know something was going on? How did I not know he was lying right to my face? How could I not know he was having sex with someone else? Sure I suspected something more was going on then he was saying but did I ever really believe it? No. I should have checked him out more. Made sure he was where he said he was. I should have asked him more questions. I should have never believed him. I should have listened to my intuition. So is my intuition screwed up now? It's screaming, "He is not over this. He will do it again. He misses it." Who do I listen to? 

I was thinking about it all the other day and realized he took something else away from me that I enjoyed. When we were dating we would make out in his jeep. A lot! We were sneaking around cause neither of our parents would have approved of how physical we were while just dating. So we would go out on a date and then park somewhere after we ate. Ever since we have been married we don't do it anymore but I miss it. And now how are we supposed to without thinking of that little scank? It makes me sad and very angry thinking about it! I would love to just park somewhere after a date and make out with my husband before we have to go and pick up the kids. Did he know this about me? Does he know what he took away from me? I don't even feel like I have a right to be happy with him. Like I can't even have fun when we are out on a date. I'm not the only woman he has been alone with. Nothing is special to us anymore. He has shared everything with others. How do I move forward from that?

I'm stuck and how to I get out of this rut?

I want...

Why is it that he can go out there and cheat on me and then he gets exactly what he wants when he comes back? Is that what I need to do to get what I want? Do a wrong, hurtful thing and he will forgive me and do everything in his power to keep me from doing it again? The thing is, I don't even know what I want. More talking? More romance? More alone time? With two kids these things are nearly impossible.

I would love to go back to when we were dating. To break up with him or to just be smarter about things, I'm not sure. I guess I'm kind of tired of being a mom right now. I just want some one on one time with him to try to work this whole thing out. I want to be happy with him now and to somehow know i will still be happy with him when we are old and grey. I want to know he will never hurt me again. I want to be able to trust him.

The more time that passes the more I worry that he will do it again. A woman can only do so much, then it's his choice. I guess I just need to see that he is committed for the long haul. I'm just so scared that I won't be enough for him. I want his approval and him seeing other women definitely let me know I was doing something wrong. So now what has changed? What if I'm not as appealing later on like I seem to be now? What if he needs that thrill of lying, and sneaking around again?

I need to know he won't do it again. How do I get that?

Roller Coaster

He said there are three reasons why he thinks he had an affair.

1. Lack of sex at home. This I feel is my fault. I know I probably shouldn't. He has also said it's not my fault but it was his choice. But would he have made that choice if he had gotten what he wanted from me? I was pregnant and felt sick and so tired I just didn't feel like I could. This is why I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I'm happy with my two little boys and I'm not setting myself up for more hurt. Also, during my pregnancy with CJ I had a lot of pain. I had overly stretchy ligaments in my legs and pelvic. I couldn't roll over in bed without having a lot of pain. This is one reason the sex slacked off on my part. He was having the affair before I was in too much pain so I guess it had more to do with my grouchiness and being tired and sick. I just can't believe he would do this to me while I was pregnant. With his child! I would lay in bed so many nights wanting to be held and instead he was so mean to me.

2. Not committed to our marriage. I know he didn't want to be married to me in the first place. I just thought he had gotten over that and decided to make it work. I guess I never got the clue after Jessica. He says now he is committed. I'm not sure when I will accept that he means it. I just need him to be dependable right now. Doing what he says. Keeping all his promises. Keep loving me through this time. These things will help me to trust him the most.

3. Fighting. We got into a lot of fights when he started seeing LaDonna. Of course, at the time I didn't know he was seeing her, all I knew was that our relationship was different. He would get angry at me and I would react and then I would say mean things to him and he would react. This has gotten better since he told me. I think we are both trying now whereas earlier he didn't really care.

These reasons help me to understand how to avoid another affair in the future. But is it all my responsibility? I know he is trying now but what about when he decides he doesn't want to be committed anymore? Or what if I do end up pregnant again? Or what if I just can't love him anymore?

We have been together long enough that I will always have feelings for him. I will always care about him and his well being. But right now I don't feel like I love him and I don't even want to love him. I wish these feelings would go away cause I want to be happy with him. But he has hurt me so much. I don't know how to deal with everything. I'm kind of feeling depressed today. He keeps trying to make me laugh and nothing's funny. I want to hash it all out. I want to talk about serious important things.

I want to be in love with him again and feel like everything is normal. I hate this roller coaster.

Pictures

Ok the pictures are really bugging me. How could he do that to me? Ask for pictures so that he could go and waylay on himself! I feel so sick every time I think about it. In my mind it's just as bad as him going and having sex with them. He can't remember how many times it happened. I asked if it was more like one or ten times and he said with Marsha it was closer to ten and with LaDonna it was much more cause it lasted so much longer with her. That many different pictures of them? It hurts really bad. And then I think of how that must have made them feel. I would feel pretty good bout some guy going off to a pic of me. Sure, maybe a little dirty and used but doesn't every woman like to feel wanted, sometimes anyway they can? I guess now you can tell how bad it really was for us!

Marsha has been divorced a few times and has a different boyfriend every week practically so she was fine with being used. LaDonna has had many boyfriends from the sound of it. Was even engaged once and found another woman in bed with him. She took the ring he gave her to a pawn shop and they said it was worth $5,000 and she gave it back to him! How stupid! Now I know I'm smarter then that! Anyway, they both were used to sleeping around so to them it probably felt good to send him pics.

I don't feel that porn is right at all in any circumstance. I cringe every time we watch a movie that has boobs and I hate watching sex scenes. I feel like it can ruin a relationship. And then he goes and specifically asked for these pics from them. I would have rather he looked at some bimbo online. At least that would be more unrealistic. But what he got was of real people. That he knew! Goodness, if I would have known I would have gladly sent him some pics of me, but then again I was pregnant and obviously not attractive to him at that time.

Sometimes when he looks at me and I know he is enjoying what he sees, I feel dirty. He looked at all those pics of them and got enjoyment from it. He was using them. I guess that's kinda how I feel. Used. I'm just another woman he can get pleasure from. Before I knew about the others it felt like a husband and wife enjoying each other. Now I just feel like he is a man enjoying one of his many women.

How do I get past this? How am I supposed to feel like his wife again?