Roller Coaster

He said there are three reasons why he thinks he had an affair.

1. Lack of sex at home. This I feel is my fault. I know I probably shouldn't. He has also said it's not my fault but it was his choice. But would he have made that choice if he had gotten what he wanted from me? I was pregnant and felt sick and so tired I just didn't feel like I could. This is why I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I'm happy with my two little boys and I'm not setting myself up for more hurt. Also, during my pregnancy with CJ I had a lot of pain. I had overly stretchy ligaments in my legs and pelvic. I couldn't roll over in bed without having a lot of pain. This is one reason the sex slacked off on my part. He was having the affair before I was in too much pain so I guess it had more to do with my grouchiness and being tired and sick. I just can't believe he would do this to me while I was pregnant. With his child! I would lay in bed so many nights wanting to be held and instead he was so mean to me.

2. Not committed to our marriage. I know he didn't want to be married to me in the first place. I just thought he had gotten over that and decided to make it work. I guess I never got the clue after Jessica. He says now he is committed. I'm not sure when I will accept that he means it. I just need him to be dependable right now. Doing what he says. Keeping all his promises. Keep loving me through this time. These things will help me to trust him the most.

3. Fighting. We got into a lot of fights when he started seeing LaDonna. Of course, at the time I didn't know he was seeing her, all I knew was that our relationship was different. He would get angry at me and I would react and then I would say mean things to him and he would react. This has gotten better since he told me. I think we are both trying now whereas earlier he didn't really care.

These reasons help me to understand how to avoid another affair in the future. But is it all my responsibility? I know he is trying now but what about when he decides he doesn't want to be committed anymore? Or what if I do end up pregnant again? Or what if I just can't love him anymore?

We have been together long enough that I will always have feelings for him. I will always care about him and his well being. But right now I don't feel like I love him and I don't even want to love him. I wish these feelings would go away cause I want to be happy with him. But he has hurt me so much. I don't know how to deal with everything. I'm kind of feeling depressed today. He keeps trying to make me laugh and nothing's funny. I want to hash it all out. I want to talk about serious important things.

I want to be in love with him again and feel like everything is normal. I hate this roller coaster.