Stuck

Today is a hard day. I can see how this was a wake up call for our marriage. But why did the wake up call have to be an affair? Why not some other much less painful way? Maybe this is a wake up call for myself too. I was 18 when I started dating him. To say that I was overly infatuated would be putting it mildly. I had a very low self esteem and didn't think anyone would ever want to date me let alone like me. When this 21 year old showed interest in me I was blown away. I didn't listen to the signs of his behavior, neither did I listen to those around me cautioning me. I just thought if I let him go nobody else would ever want me. So to make a long story short, I now know that I'm way better of a person then I thought. I know there would have been other guys. I know to listen to those around me more. I know to be aware of the signs and listen to my own intuition.

I still get angry when I think of it. No matter how horrible I may have been acting I know I didn't deserve this. I don't know how to let go of all this hate toward him. I want to move forward but I'm really not sure how. I want to have a happy marriage but how does that work when I'm so afraid of what he will do to me next? I'm afraid of what goes through his mind. The things he doesn't tell me. Does he crave pictures of other women? Does he want to be intimate physically or emotionally with others? Is he just biding his time? Waiting til things simmer down so he can do it all over again? I just wish he would share with me more how he is feeling.

He wants so bad to take more firefighting training and then join a paid fire department. I know that won't happen right away but I still wonder what I will do when it does. I really want this for him. It would make me happy to see him doing something he enjoys. I'm just not sure how I will be able to handle it. When he is gone 24- 48 hours at a time how am I going to be able to trust that he is at the station and not in someone else's bed? Or that he is not getting friendly with some firefighter he is working with? 

I feel so stupid. How could I not know something was going on? How did I not know he was lying right to my face? How could I not know he was having sex with someone else? Sure I suspected something more was going on then he was saying but did I ever really believe it? No. I should have checked him out more. Made sure he was where he said he was. I should have asked him more questions. I should have never believed him. I should have listened to my intuition. So is my intuition screwed up now? It's screaming, "He is not over this. He will do it again. He misses it." Who do I listen to? 

I was thinking about it all the other day and realized he took something else away from me that I enjoyed. When we were dating we would make out in his jeep. A lot! We were sneaking around cause neither of our parents would have approved of how physical we were while just dating. So we would go out on a date and then park somewhere after we ate. Ever since we have been married we don't do it anymore but I miss it. And now how are we supposed to without thinking of that little scank? It makes me sad and very angry thinking about it! I would love to just park somewhere after a date and make out with my husband before we have to go and pick up the kids. Did he know this about me? Does he know what he took away from me? I don't even feel like I have a right to be happy with him. Like I can't even have fun when we are out on a date. I'm not the only woman he has been alone with. Nothing is special to us anymore. He has shared everything with others. How do I move forward from that?

I'm stuck and how to I get out of this rut?

I want...

Why is it that he can go out there and cheat on me and then he gets exactly what he wants when he comes back? Is that what I need to do to get what I want? Do a wrong, hurtful thing and he will forgive me and do everything in his power to keep me from doing it again? The thing is, I don't even know what I want. More talking? More romance? More alone time? With two kids these things are nearly impossible.

I would love to go back to when we were dating. To break up with him or to just be smarter about things, I'm not sure. I guess I'm kind of tired of being a mom right now. I just want some one on one time with him to try to work this whole thing out. I want to be happy with him now and to somehow know i will still be happy with him when we are old and grey. I want to know he will never hurt me again. I want to be able to trust him.

The more time that passes the more I worry that he will do it again. A woman can only do so much, then it's his choice. I guess I just need to see that he is committed for the long haul. I'm just so scared that I won't be enough for him. I want his approval and him seeing other women definitely let me know I was doing something wrong. So now what has changed? What if I'm not as appealing later on like I seem to be now? What if he needs that thrill of lying, and sneaking around again?

I need to know he won't do it again. How do I get that?

Roller Coaster

He said there are three reasons why he thinks he had an affair.

1. Lack of sex at home. This I feel is my fault. I know I probably shouldn't. He has also said it's not my fault but it was his choice. But would he have made that choice if he had gotten what he wanted from me? I was pregnant and felt sick and so tired I just didn't feel like I could. This is why I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I'm happy with my two little boys and I'm not setting myself up for more hurt. Also, during my pregnancy with CJ I had a lot of pain. I had overly stretchy ligaments in my legs and pelvic. I couldn't roll over in bed without having a lot of pain. This is one reason the sex slacked off on my part. He was having the affair before I was in too much pain so I guess it had more to do with my grouchiness and being tired and sick. I just can't believe he would do this to me while I was pregnant. With his child! I would lay in bed so many nights wanting to be held and instead he was so mean to me.

2. Not committed to our marriage. I know he didn't want to be married to me in the first place. I just thought he had gotten over that and decided to make it work. I guess I never got the clue after Jessica. He says now he is committed. I'm not sure when I will accept that he means it. I just need him to be dependable right now. Doing what he says. Keeping all his promises. Keep loving me through this time. These things will help me to trust him the most.

3. Fighting. We got into a lot of fights when he started seeing LaDonna. Of course, at the time I didn't know he was seeing her, all I knew was that our relationship was different. He would get angry at me and I would react and then I would say mean things to him and he would react. This has gotten better since he told me. I think we are both trying now whereas earlier he didn't really care.

These reasons help me to understand how to avoid another affair in the future. But is it all my responsibility? I know he is trying now but what about when he decides he doesn't want to be committed anymore? Or what if I do end up pregnant again? Or what if I just can't love him anymore?

We have been together long enough that I will always have feelings for him. I will always care about him and his well being. But right now I don't feel like I love him and I don't even want to love him. I wish these feelings would go away cause I want to be happy with him. But he has hurt me so much. I don't know how to deal with everything. I'm kind of feeling depressed today. He keeps trying to make me laugh and nothing's funny. I want to hash it all out. I want to talk about serious important things.

I want to be in love with him again and feel like everything is normal. I hate this roller coaster.

Pictures

Ok the pictures are really bugging me. How could he do that to me? Ask for pictures so that he could go and waylay on himself! I feel so sick every time I think about it. In my mind it's just as bad as him going and having sex with them. He can't remember how many times it happened. I asked if it was more like one or ten times and he said with Marsha it was closer to ten and with LaDonna it was much more cause it lasted so much longer with her. That many different pictures of them? It hurts really bad. And then I think of how that must have made them feel. I would feel pretty good bout some guy going off to a pic of me. Sure, maybe a little dirty and used but doesn't every woman like to feel wanted, sometimes anyway they can? I guess now you can tell how bad it really was for us!

Marsha has been divorced a few times and has a different boyfriend every week practically so she was fine with being used. LaDonna has had many boyfriends from the sound of it. Was even engaged once and found another woman in bed with him. She took the ring he gave her to a pawn shop and they said it was worth $5,000 and she gave it back to him! How stupid! Now I know I'm smarter then that! Anyway, they both were used to sleeping around so to them it probably felt good to send him pics.

I don't feel that porn is right at all in any circumstance. I cringe every time we watch a movie that has boobs and I hate watching sex scenes. I feel like it can ruin a relationship. And then he goes and specifically asked for these pics from them. I would have rather he looked at some bimbo online. At least that would be more unrealistic. But what he got was of real people. That he knew! Goodness, if I would have known I would have gladly sent him some pics of me, but then again I was pregnant and obviously not attractive to him at that time.

Sometimes when he looks at me and I know he is enjoying what he sees, I feel dirty. He looked at all those pics of them and got enjoyment from it. He was using them. I guess that's kinda how I feel. Used. I'm just another woman he can get pleasure from. Before I knew about the others it felt like a husband and wife enjoying each other. Now I just feel like he is a man enjoying one of his many women.

How do I get past this? How am I supposed to feel like his wife again?

Good feelings

I feel like a walking contradiction. I'm mad at him but feel like I can't show it cause he may get mad and stop being nice. I don't really like him right now but I'm really turned on thinking about him. I want things to be good between us but I also want him to know how wrong he was. I guess my main question right now is, are good feelings ok?

I think the reason I'm craving physical contact with him right now is for his approval. Since I have found out about the affair(s), I feel like I know better what keeps his attention on me. My respect, touch, and desire to be with him, probably among many other things. (Or this is what I have come up with on my own, haven't really asked him.) So maybe subconsciously I know this and therefore am all turned on so I can get that approval from him.

We have talked about how the sex was for him with the others. He says it wasn't great and that I'm by far the best he's had. I'm choosing to believe him. He said LaDonna would even ask what she could do to make it better for him cause she knew he wasn't enjoying it. He said it was rather awkward. Yeah, I would say it probably was. Why keep doing it? Anyway, he also keeps saying how sexy I am and how he likes my body even with the extra baby fat and stretch marks. What woman wouldn't want to hear that?

Am I supposed to be turned on by him now? Am I supposed to enjoy feeling sexy around him? I'm so confused. I know I say that alot but it's true! How do I still have good feelings toward someone that hurt me so much and betrayed my trust in such a huge way?

Will this last?

We had a great weekend! We talked a lot about all that had happened but in a playful way. And had great sex! Is this ok? Is this moving forward? Is it too soon? Does he think he can do it again and it will be ok in a week or so? I'm not sure what to think about it all! I want to be happy and go back to normal, but I don't want normal! I want us to have a better relationship, not the same.

How do we make our relationship better? I'm so afraid we will start fighting again, or I won't have sex with him as much as he needs, or I'll be disrespectful. I can't do everything right all the time. I know he will be understanding. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. But what if he gets tired of my mistakes? I feel like all the pressure is on me. I know he is trying to keep himself away from trouble but if I had been doing my job to begin with he may have never done it.

How do I stop thinking about him with Marsha and LaDonna? Wondering if he is really telling the truth about how bad it was. If it was so awful why did he keep going back? He says he doesn't know. I just wish I could get in his head and figure out what he was thinking. They must have done something he liked to make him keep going. He said he did it with LaDonna cause she was willing. Some of the things he tells me makes me think she is one stupid slut. Hello? Is that what he wants? I like to think I'm a pretty intelligent person. It kinda feels like a slap to my personality.

I want to be happy with him again but I want to fix what was wrong with our marriage first. Does he think it needs to be fixed also? Or is this just my anxieties over him cheating? I wish things were more clear and not so complicated.

Embarrassed

It's worse then i thought. I asked for details. I got details or at least about the pictures they would send him. Earlier he had said not all of them were provocative, so I asked what the provocative ones were of. He didn't want to tell me. He thinks he can decide to not tell me something because he knows it will make me upset. For some reason I need to know these things. Maybe it will make it worse but I just need to know!

He told me last night. I just didn't think it could be worse then it was. I guess I just figured I could blame something on the women we was with and it wasn't completely all his fault. He said when he wasn't able to leave the house and meet them to satisfy his needs he would ask for a picture from them so he could get release on his own. In our bathroom! I asked where I was. He said somewhere in the house! Hello! We have a very small house. What if I walked in on him? Or JR did? I feel so sick and embarrassed.

I also asked him if they said anything about me. He said LaDonna was intimidated by me. Why on earth would she be? She was getting him. He was being nice to her. He said he was a lot nicer to them then he was to me. He said she was intimidated because I was married to him and he wouldn't turn away sex from me if I offered it. The truth is I'm pretty intimidated of her. She was the one he was with and was nice to. I just got yelled at and ignored. And he really didn't want to be married to me in the first place.

He said she got mad at him because he wouldn't leave me to be with her. How did she think that would work? He would obviously want the kids with him some of the time and that would mean she may have them alone sometimes. Did she really think she could take care of a toddler and an infant? What would she do when they started crying, were sick, or got hurt? And why on earth would she want a man that only wanted her for sex, some pictures, and drama free conversation? He says he didn't really like her or find her attractive. Well why did he keep going to her. I guess that is why she thought he should be with her. He chose her over me.

I just want him to want me. I want to be able to go about my day and let him do what he wants and not worry about him being unfaithful. I want to trust him. I want to feel like I will always be loved. No matter what I do. Doesn't he understand that's what I was trying to do? Respect him unconditionally. I really tried but without getting what I needed I probably did a poor job. I guess this is why I feel like the affair was my fault. If I just would have had sex with him more it never would have happened.

Why does life have to be so complicated?