Embarrassed

It's worse then i thought. I asked for details. I got details or at least about the pictures they would send him. Earlier he had said not all of them were provocative, so I asked what the provocative ones were of. He didn't want to tell me. He thinks he can decide to not tell me something because he knows it will make me upset. For some reason I need to know these things. Maybe it will make it worse but I just need to know!

He told me last night. I just didn't think it could be worse then it was. I guess I just figured I could blame something on the women we was with and it wasn't completely all his fault. He said when he wasn't able to leave the house and meet them to satisfy his needs he would ask for a picture from them so he could get release on his own. In our bathroom! I asked where I was. He said somewhere in the house! Hello! We have a very small house. What if I walked in on him? Or JR did? I feel so sick and embarrassed.

I also asked him if they said anything about me. He said LaDonna was intimidated by me. Why on earth would she be? She was getting him. He was being nice to her. He said he was a lot nicer to them then he was to me. He said she was intimidated because I was married to him and he wouldn't turn away sex from me if I offered it. The truth is I'm pretty intimidated of her. She was the one he was with and was nice to. I just got yelled at and ignored. And he really didn't want to be married to me in the first place.

He said she got mad at him because he wouldn't leave me to be with her. How did she think that would work? He would obviously want the kids with him some of the time and that would mean she may have them alone sometimes. Did she really think she could take care of a toddler and an infant? What would she do when they started crying, were sick, or got hurt? And why on earth would she want a man that only wanted her for sex, some pictures, and drama free conversation? He says he didn't really like her or find her attractive. Well why did he keep going to her. I guess that is why she thought he should be with her. He chose her over me.

I just want him to want me. I want to be able to go about my day and let him do what he wants and not worry about him being unfaithful. I want to trust him. I want to feel like I will always be loved. No matter what I do. Doesn't he understand that's what I was trying to do? Respect him unconditionally. I really tried but without getting what I needed I probably did a poor job. I guess this is why I feel like the affair was my fault. If I just would have had sex with him more it never would have happened.

Why does life have to be so complicated?