Stuck

Today is a hard day. I can see how this was a wake up call for our marriage. But why did the wake up call have to be an affair? Why not some other much less painful way? Maybe this is a wake up call for myself too. I was 18 when I started dating him. To say that I was overly infatuated would be putting it mildly. I had a very low self esteem and didn't think anyone would ever want to date me let alone like me. When this 21 year old showed interest in me I was blown away. I didn't listen to the signs of his behavior, neither did I listen to those around me cautioning me. I just thought if I let him go nobody else would ever want me. So to make a long story short, I now know that I'm way better of a person then I thought. I know there would have been other guys. I know to listen to those around me more. I know to be aware of the signs and listen to my own intuition.

I still get angry when I think of it. No matter how horrible I may have been acting I know I didn't deserve this. I don't know how to let go of all this hate toward him. I want to move forward but I'm really not sure how. I want to have a happy marriage but how does that work when I'm so afraid of what he will do to me next? I'm afraid of what goes through his mind. The things he doesn't tell me. Does he crave pictures of other women? Does he want to be intimate physically or emotionally with others? Is he just biding his time? Waiting til things simmer down so he can do it all over again? I just wish he would share with me more how he is feeling.

He wants so bad to take more firefighting training and then join a paid fire department. I know that won't happen right away but I still wonder what I will do when it does. I really want this for him. It would make me happy to see him doing something he enjoys. I'm just not sure how I will be able to handle it. When he is gone 24- 48 hours at a time how am I going to be able to trust that he is at the station and not in someone else's bed? Or that he is not getting friendly with some firefighter he is working with? 

I feel so stupid. How could I not know something was going on? How did I not know he was lying right to my face? How could I not know he was having sex with someone else? Sure I suspected something more was going on then he was saying but did I ever really believe it? No. I should have checked him out more. Made sure he was where he said he was. I should have asked him more questions. I should have never believed him. I should have listened to my intuition. So is my intuition screwed up now? It's screaming, "He is not over this. He will do it again. He misses it." Who do I listen to? 

I was thinking about it all the other day and realized he took something else away from me that I enjoyed. When we were dating we would make out in his jeep. A lot! We were sneaking around cause neither of our parents would have approved of how physical we were while just dating. So we would go out on a date and then park somewhere after we ate. Ever since we have been married we don't do it anymore but I miss it. And now how are we supposed to without thinking of that little scank? It makes me sad and very angry thinking about it! I would love to just park somewhere after a date and make out with my husband before we have to go and pick up the kids. Did he know this about me? Does he know what he took away from me? I don't even feel like I have a right to be happy with him. Like I can't even have fun when we are out on a date. I'm not the only woman he has been alone with. Nothing is special to us anymore. He has shared everything with others. How do I move forward from that?

I'm stuck and how to I get out of this rut?

I want...

Why is it that he can go out there and cheat on me and then he gets exactly what he wants when he comes back? Is that what I need to do to get what I want? Do a wrong, hurtful thing and he will forgive me and do everything in his power to keep me from doing it again? The thing is, I don't even know what I want. More talking? More romance? More alone time? With two kids these things are nearly impossible.

I would love to go back to when we were dating. To break up with him or to just be smarter about things, I'm not sure. I guess I'm kind of tired of being a mom right now. I just want some one on one time with him to try to work this whole thing out. I want to be happy with him now and to somehow know i will still be happy with him when we are old and grey. I want to know he will never hurt me again. I want to be able to trust him.

The more time that passes the more I worry that he will do it again. A woman can only do so much, then it's his choice. I guess I just need to see that he is committed for the long haul. I'm just so scared that I won't be enough for him. I want his approval and him seeing other women definitely let me know I was doing something wrong. So now what has changed? What if I'm not as appealing later on like I seem to be now? What if he needs that thrill of lying, and sneaking around again?

I need to know he won't do it again. How do I get that?

Roller Coaster

He said there are three reasons why he thinks he had an affair.

1. Lack of sex at home. This I feel is my fault. I know I probably shouldn't. He has also said it's not my fault but it was his choice. But would he have made that choice if he had gotten what he wanted from me? I was pregnant and felt sick and so tired I just didn't feel like I could. This is why I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I'm happy with my two little boys and I'm not setting myself up for more hurt. Also, during my pregnancy with CJ I had a lot of pain. I had overly stretchy ligaments in my legs and pelvic. I couldn't roll over in bed without having a lot of pain. This is one reason the sex slacked off on my part. He was having the affair before I was in too much pain so I guess it had more to do with my grouchiness and being tired and sick. I just can't believe he would do this to me while I was pregnant. With his child! I would lay in bed so many nights wanting to be held and instead he was so mean to me.

2. Not committed to our marriage. I know he didn't want to be married to me in the first place. I just thought he had gotten over that and decided to make it work. I guess I never got the clue after Jessica. He says now he is committed. I'm not sure when I will accept that he means it. I just need him to be dependable right now. Doing what he says. Keeping all his promises. Keep loving me through this time. These things will help me to trust him the most.

3. Fighting. We got into a lot of fights when he started seeing LaDonna. Of course, at the time I didn't know he was seeing her, all I knew was that our relationship was different. He would get angry at me and I would react and then I would say mean things to him and he would react. This has gotten better since he told me. I think we are both trying now whereas earlier he didn't really care.

These reasons help me to understand how to avoid another affair in the future. But is it all my responsibility? I know he is trying now but what about when he decides he doesn't want to be committed anymore? Or what if I do end up pregnant again? Or what if I just can't love him anymore?

We have been together long enough that I will always have feelings for him. I will always care about him and his well being. But right now I don't feel like I love him and I don't even want to love him. I wish these feelings would go away cause I want to be happy with him. But he has hurt me so much. I don't know how to deal with everything. I'm kind of feeling depressed today. He keeps trying to make me laugh and nothing's funny. I want to hash it all out. I want to talk about serious important things.

I want to be in love with him again and feel like everything is normal. I hate this roller coaster.

Pictures

Ok the pictures are really bugging me. How could he do that to me? Ask for pictures so that he could go and waylay on himself! I feel so sick every time I think about it. In my mind it's just as bad as him going and having sex with them. He can't remember how many times it happened. I asked if it was more like one or ten times and he said with Marsha it was closer to ten and with LaDonna it was much more cause it lasted so much longer with her. That many different pictures of them? It hurts really bad. And then I think of how that must have made them feel. I would feel pretty good bout some guy going off to a pic of me. Sure, maybe a little dirty and used but doesn't every woman like to feel wanted, sometimes anyway they can? I guess now you can tell how bad it really was for us!

Marsha has been divorced a few times and has a different boyfriend every week practically so she was fine with being used. LaDonna has had many boyfriends from the sound of it. Was even engaged once and found another woman in bed with him. She took the ring he gave her to a pawn shop and they said it was worth $5,000 and she gave it back to him! How stupid! Now I know I'm smarter then that! Anyway, they both were used to sleeping around so to them it probably felt good to send him pics.

I don't feel that porn is right at all in any circumstance. I cringe every time we watch a movie that has boobs and I hate watching sex scenes. I feel like it can ruin a relationship. And then he goes and specifically asked for these pics from them. I would have rather he looked at some bimbo online. At least that would be more unrealistic. But what he got was of real people. That he knew! Goodness, if I would have known I would have gladly sent him some pics of me, but then again I was pregnant and obviously not attractive to him at that time.

Sometimes when he looks at me and I know he is enjoying what he sees, I feel dirty. He looked at all those pics of them and got enjoyment from it. He was using them. I guess that's kinda how I feel. Used. I'm just another woman he can get pleasure from. Before I knew about the others it felt like a husband and wife enjoying each other. Now I just feel like he is a man enjoying one of his many women.

How do I get past this? How am I supposed to feel like his wife again?

Good feelings

I feel like a walking contradiction. I'm mad at him but feel like I can't show it cause he may get mad and stop being nice. I don't really like him right now but I'm really turned on thinking about him. I want things to be good between us but I also want him to know how wrong he was. I guess my main question right now is, are good feelings ok?

I think the reason I'm craving physical contact with him right now is for his approval. Since I have found out about the affair(s), I feel like I know better what keeps his attention on me. My respect, touch, and desire to be with him, probably among many other things. (Or this is what I have come up with on my own, haven't really asked him.) So maybe subconsciously I know this and therefore am all turned on so I can get that approval from him.

We have talked about how the sex was for him with the others. He says it wasn't great and that I'm by far the best he's had. I'm choosing to believe him. He said LaDonna would even ask what she could do to make it better for him cause she knew he wasn't enjoying it. He said it was rather awkward. Yeah, I would say it probably was. Why keep doing it? Anyway, he also keeps saying how sexy I am and how he likes my body even with the extra baby fat and stretch marks. What woman wouldn't want to hear that?

Am I supposed to be turned on by him now? Am I supposed to enjoy feeling sexy around him? I'm so confused. I know I say that alot but it's true! How do I still have good feelings toward someone that hurt me so much and betrayed my trust in such a huge way?

Will this last?

We had a great weekend! We talked a lot about all that had happened but in a playful way. And had great sex! Is this ok? Is this moving forward? Is it too soon? Does he think he can do it again and it will be ok in a week or so? I'm not sure what to think about it all! I want to be happy and go back to normal, but I don't want normal! I want us to have a better relationship, not the same.

How do we make our relationship better? I'm so afraid we will start fighting again, or I won't have sex with him as much as he needs, or I'll be disrespectful. I can't do everything right all the time. I know he will be understanding. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. But what if he gets tired of my mistakes? I feel like all the pressure is on me. I know he is trying to keep himself away from trouble but if I had been doing my job to begin with he may have never done it.

How do I stop thinking about him with Marsha and LaDonna? Wondering if he is really telling the truth about how bad it was. If it was so awful why did he keep going back? He says he doesn't know. I just wish I could get in his head and figure out what he was thinking. They must have done something he liked to make him keep going. He said he did it with LaDonna cause she was willing. Some of the things he tells me makes me think she is one stupid slut. Hello? Is that what he wants? I like to think I'm a pretty intelligent person. It kinda feels like a slap to my personality.

I want to be happy with him again but I want to fix what was wrong with our marriage first. Does he think it needs to be fixed also? Or is this just my anxieties over him cheating? I wish things were more clear and not so complicated.

Embarrassed

It's worse then i thought. I asked for details. I got details or at least about the pictures they would send him. Earlier he had said not all of them were provocative, so I asked what the provocative ones were of. He didn't want to tell me. He thinks he can decide to not tell me something because he knows it will make me upset. For some reason I need to know these things. Maybe it will make it worse but I just need to know!

He told me last night. I just didn't think it could be worse then it was. I guess I just figured I could blame something on the women we was with and it wasn't completely all his fault. He said when he wasn't able to leave the house and meet them to satisfy his needs he would ask for a picture from them so he could get release on his own. In our bathroom! I asked where I was. He said somewhere in the house! Hello! We have a very small house. What if I walked in on him? Or JR did? I feel so sick and embarrassed.

I also asked him if they said anything about me. He said LaDonna was intimidated by me. Why on earth would she be? She was getting him. He was being nice to her. He said he was a lot nicer to them then he was to me. He said she was intimidated because I was married to him and he wouldn't turn away sex from me if I offered it. The truth is I'm pretty intimidated of her. She was the one he was with and was nice to. I just got yelled at and ignored. And he really didn't want to be married to me in the first place.

He said she got mad at him because he wouldn't leave me to be with her. How did she think that would work? He would obviously want the kids with him some of the time and that would mean she may have them alone sometimes. Did she really think she could take care of a toddler and an infant? What would she do when they started crying, were sick, or got hurt? And why on earth would she want a man that only wanted her for sex, some pictures, and drama free conversation? He says he didn't really like her or find her attractive. Well why did he keep going to her. I guess that is why she thought he should be with her. He chose her over me.

I just want him to want me. I want to be able to go about my day and let him do what he wants and not worry about him being unfaithful. I want to trust him. I want to feel like I will always be loved. No matter what I do. Doesn't he understand that's what I was trying to do? Respect him unconditionally. I really tried but without getting what I needed I probably did a poor job. I guess this is why I feel like the affair was my fault. If I just would have had sex with him more it never would have happened.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

Committed

I want to know details. He doesn't want to tell me any. He says it's hard for him. But he's the one that did it. He should have thought how hard it would be to tell me. I guess I don't understand. It's hard for me because he cheated on me. Will he want to do it again if he remembers all the details? Will he miss it? I guess the reason I want to know is to understand why he kept doing it. Were they that much better? He said they weren't but how do I know if I don't know what they did? Why did he go to them and not me?

He says he's committed now more then he has ever been during our marriage. Is this true? How do I know? He acted this way after Jessica and yet he hadn't even told me the whole truth with her. What if he hasn't told me the whole truth this time? Or if he has maybe it will be ok for awhile and then he will do it again? I just want to stop worrying. 

I get pretty upset when I think of what he did. I wonder if I was ever in a situation to cheat if I would? I guess I have never been in that situation cause I avoid them. How does he get into those situations? Why does he make himself available to that? 

I'm just really confused today. I want to be happy with him but I'm so afraid things will go back to normal then back to the way they were.

4:00am

After feeding CJ in the wee hours of morning (check the title), I climbed into bed with him. Right at first I felt fine then all of a sudden I remembered just how mean he was to me while I was pregnant. I remember not being able to do anything right. He got mad at me over everything. Was pretty much mad at me constantly. I wanted so bad to have a hug and kiss but too many times I rejected his advances to be intimate that he didn't even want to touch me anymore. I remembered when it all started.

Sept 2011:
Antique Show
This is one of my favorite events here in Southern IN. It's so exciting. So many people come to see all the tractors and equipment that are displayed. There is a flea market, petting zoo, tractor pulls, food, and tons of fun! But we had been fighting so it wasn't as great as usual. I remember while there thinking our relationship had started feeling different within the last 2 weeks or so and wasn't sure why. This was supposed to be a fun time for us. Taking JR around and showing him all the tractors and things. I was disappointed.

Back to 4:00am. I then remembered fire watch started the middle of Aug and that he was with LaDonna for the first time around then. That really threw everything into perspective! So I laid there and started crying at the thought of him ruining one of the events that we really loved going to together. And I thought about him throwing away the one thing that was special to us. He had kissed other girls before me but I was his first and he was mine. I thought I shared with him something no one else got from him.

He tried to hold me. He has been very sensitive since he told me. I normally never pass up being touched by him. It was kinda nonexistent there for awhile so why take that for granted? But this morning it hurt too much. I just wanted to be alone. So I pulled away and after a bit he tried again. I'm glad he wants to comfort me. I'm glad he is starting to act like he cares. But I still just want to know why he did it.

Anger

I am so mad that I started a message on facebook to send to LaDonna. I haven't sent it. Not sure if I should. He will probably find out and get mad but they both deserve it. I told him last night I just want to fight with someone. He thought I meant physically. Right! The only way that I would win that one is with my anger. No, I want to just yell at someone and get it all out. He said I should be mad at him. I am. He has been so caring and so bad wants to fix things that I can't yell at him. He has so much guilt right now (rightfully so) that I don't want to add more and make so that he may never get over it. I just want to find her and scream. Maybe yank her hair out? Yeah that would feel good! The old woman doesn't bug me much cause I'm sure he was about grossed out doing that. LaDonna does bug me. She is like 20 or something and skinny. I just had a baby so I still have all this flab and I'm pretty sure I won't be losing all the weight. She does have an ugly face but someone could get past that. I guess the mental issues would not tempt him. He was with her more times and I wonder why? If he couldn't even keep it up for her why keep seeing her? Anger is definitely the emotion of the day!

The Truth

I got what I wanted. Am I happy? Not necessarily. Friday Andy was home from work so I had him start to tell me the truth about what he has done in the past. He told me everything up until we got married. He was good friends with a girl in the youth group named Lisa. He would have dated her but his mom wouldn't let him so he just hung out with her and was with her alot, mostly in secret. A few months before our wedding Lisa was texting him and was pretty upset with them not being together. The night before our wedding she texted Andy and asked him if there was any hope for her. He obviously said no. First, because it was the night before his wedding, and second because he was afraid of being disowned by his parents. After we were married we were visiting his parents and his mom took him aside and apologized for not letting him see who he wanted to and for pushing him to marry me. She said she should have said something before the wedding so he could back out if he wanted to. WOW! When he told me this I could have beat her. I would have been ten times better off if I would have never married Andy but here I am now so I guess I need to stop looking in the past.

Saturday we still hadn't had the chance to talk so that night I asked him about something he had said on Friday. When I had questioned him about sex he said I was the first person he had had sex with. That didn't sound strange to me until I had time to process everything but by Saturday night I was itching to know what he meant. I asked if he had had sex with anyone while we were married. He was silent. I have come to dread silence after a question. It will definitely be something I won't like coming from his mouth. He said he had. By then as circumstance would have it CJ started fussing. So I asked how many times. He said about a dozen all together. I needed to process that so I took CJ out and rocked him and thought about what he said. All together? That most likely means more then one woman. Another WOW!

It was late when we started talking on Saturday night so I'm not sure what all we covered and what had to wait until Sunday afternoon so I will just give an overview of everything he had done.

March 2008:
Got married and was still texting Lisa. Something happened at some point and she got mad at him and handed his number out to everyone she knew. This was the cause of much distress during the first few months of marriage. He got texts from every girl imaginable. He got them and calls at all hours of the night and took great pleasure in trying to find out who they were, telling them funny stories and all in all flirting. We had numerous fights over this.

February 2009:
I'm not sure how long before this it was going on but this is when the fit hit the shan. He had been coaching basketball and was gone late every mon night. I know of 2 nights now that he went and met Jessica. She was another girl Lisa had given his number to. I knew he had been texting her for a long time and knew about the last time he met her. He said he had only kissed her some. She wanted more but he wasn't interested. He felt very guilty and quit meeting her and only texted her occasionally after I found out. It was a big blow up with his parents and we didn't talk to them for months. I thought everything was fine after he ended it. I thought he would never do it again.

April 2010:
His guilt over Jessica kept him faithful up until this point. (I never did know about the kissing until Sunday) We had gotten a dog named Tucker a few months after we were married and loved him like a child. We would take him over to his parents to roam around on the farm because we lived in town. We did this one Sunday night on our way to church cause we were going back over there afterward. On our way back after church we drove up and everyone was looking at us. We got out and were told our Tucker was run over. We were devestated. He said over this time he had became friends on facebook with a woman in town. He had messaged her to see who she was and somehow it ended up that he went to her house and the rest is history. He said he was just with her twice. She kept texting him and messaging him on facebook but he blocked her cause of all his guilt over this incident. All this time I had no clue. Maybe because of the face I just had our first child, JR, over this time. I really thought everything was fine with us so this is what scares me the most. Also, I forgot to mention she is in her 40's.... gross.

August 2011:
I became pregnant with our second child in May. I guess he had had enough of everything once again by this point. He had taken some fire fighting classes and was one out of 3 that passed the test, everyone else failed. So he decided to help the others try to get through. They had a few review classes in which LaDonna sat with him  and that somw how turned into her messaging him on facebook and texting him. The others in the class finally took the retest and passed so he was done with that but I guess not with her. One of the big pole barn suppliers in the area needed to have sprinkler systems installed and for some reason they had to have a fire fighter keeping watch while they worked. Since they would be in the way  during the day they worked from 5pm- 2am in order to keep the building open for business. He invited her to come see him and once again the rest is history. This happened he thought about 5 nights that he was over there. What really gets me is that some nights JR and I would go and take him dinner and ride with him around the building and stuff. The nights we didn't come over and he had the car he would take the car seat out to sleep in the backseat but he said other things happened back there also. This pisses me off! In my car! After his fire watch job was over he said they were in her car twice and in her parents cabin once. WOW! He said the last time was December after she blew up at him over the whole thing. She told her fire chief some tall tales about her and him, messaged him nasty stuff on facebook and told him she had mental issues and wasn't taking her meds. To say the least, this scared him off. I say he deserves whatever he gets.

We are going to try to make it work. I'm really angry and hurt and just wish I had someone to get mad at. He has been nothing but understanding and caring and I hope everything works out but I just can't trust him yet. This is going to take a long time! Two things he told me that make me feel better about the whole thing is he said I kiss better then anyone he has EVER kissed and he thought it was probably because he knows I'm the one that loves him the most. And I'm the best lover also. He said with these 2 women he couldn't keep an erection long at all! haha He said just talking on the phone with me does it and he just couldn't stay up for them. I hope it was awkward for all of them.

Right now my feelings are nauseousness, anger, and disbelief. I never knew. Well, I knew something was going on and suspected sex once or so but never really thought he would do that to me. How do I ever trust him again. And how do I have sex with him without thinking about it?