My man

I'm beginning to realize what a good man I have. He hurt me. He made mistakes. He is growing into a man I'm learning to love and admire. It took me awhile to see the changes and the effort he is making. I see now that he is in it for the long haul. I won't say he will never make another mistake again because he probably will. But I know now that he won't be making the mistake because he isn't committed.

I was ready to hurt him. I was ready to get even. I wanted him to pay.  I ended up doing things that I realize now were wrong. I knew it to begin with but didn't care how it would affect him. He let me go. He let me learn things that I never would have learned had he stopped me. I learned the grass isn't greener on the other side. I learned I have the man I do for a reason. I learned I really do love him. I have finally come to the point that I can say I'm glad I married him.

I have an idea now why he did what he did. I also have an even greater idea why he came back to me and is ready to be my husband. I'm ready to close this chapter in my life and truly move forward and love the man God has given me. I'm ready to be the woman he needs. I'm ready to love him with my whole heart.

This feels good.

Forgiveness

It’s about a year now that he was with LaDonna for the first time. It’s hard knowing now what was going on then. I wondered what had changed between us and at the time really didn’t think he could do something like that to me. I was oblivious. I should have seen it. I guess I was too busy or maybe I was to the point of really not caring. Initially, after I realized our relationship had changed, I tried hard to connect with him again. I probably tried too hard, in my own way. I nagged and we fought and I really tried to get him to see what was happening. In reality he knew exactly what was happening. I was the one that was clueless. After a while I just quit trying. I guess I am thankful it is over and we’ve come this far.

In about two weeks we have an annual show we go to, an antique show type thing. I asked if she was there last year because she doesn’t live far from it. He said she was and that she usually goes. What do I do? I may see the woman my husband has been with. I may have to look at her. I guess it wouldn’t be a have to. I won’t be able to take my eyes off her. I want to see her. I want to know what she has that I didn’t. I want to know what is so great about her that he would leave me while I’m pregnant with his child. I still don’t understand it. I still think about it. I’m so self-conscious right now. I look at myself in the mirror and realize I am prettier than her. But it’s obviously not about looks. I then look inward and I don’t like what I see. I said I forgave him. I may have lied. I said I will one day forgive them. I may have lied again. I sometimes hate him more then I love him. I know I hate them. What kind of a Christian am I?

Sunday in church the preacher was talking about forgiveness. It was a message meant for me. I’m so imperfect I don’t know how I ever thought I was better than him. Yes, he cheated and I remained faithful. But I can’t forgive him and he is becoming a better man every day. Some things the preacher said made me think.

*I haven’t forgiven if I can’t imagine giving that person a hug.

*We can deceive ourselves into thinking we have forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t the act of controlling our hateful feelings it’s by actively showing that person love.

*Jesus told us to forgive someone 70 x 7 times. If someone comes to me over and over saying they’re sorry for the same hurtful thing they have done to me, I am supposed to forgive them each and every time.

*Mercy is treating someone better then they deserve.

*To err is human, to forgive is divine. I need to ask God for help in forgiving someone. I can’t do it on my own. If I can’t forgive someone it’s because I haven’t asked for help.

I don’t know if I even want to ask for help. I really don’t want to forgive. But another thing I need to think about is if I don’t forgive, God won’t forgive me. I need help. I need to forgive. I don’t want to forgive. I want to stay angry and make them see how wrong they all are. I want them to see how much they hurt me and my family. I want them to pay.

I hate my life. I wish I never would have met him. 

Two Different Pages

Why can’t we just get along? If we are together for just one day we self-destruct. I’m tired of it and it would be nice to know why. Sure I know if I would just keep my mouth shut most of the time there would be no arguments. But what do I do when he makes me feel like an idiot in his presence? For example: Last night we were watching the Olympics and during a commercial I tell him something about a relative of mine and he acts like that was the last thing he would have liked to been listening to. That just kind of set the whole evening off. That along with the ac not working well where we were at, one kid into everything and the other not wanting to nurse but won’t stop crying because he and I are both hot, and the hubby just sitting there and only taking action when I direct his attention to a problem. I’m sick of feeling like I’m the only one that can make things happen or that is capable of getting things done.

Another thing I feel like he doesn’t care about is our relationship. I try to ask him every so often how he is doing because the last thing I want is another affair happening. If I can try and prevent it by checking in with him I will do that as much as it takes. But why doesn’t he do the same thing for me? Does he just expect everything to be hunky dorey now that I forgave him? I’m struggling way more then I let it show. I try to tell him and he always makes me feel stupid for coming to him to talk about it. I know I can easily be made to feel stupid and I’m trying to work on that. But that still doesn’t excuse his lack of interest in me. He thinks I’m really selfish and he makes me feel that way when I tell him what I need from him. I need to hear that I’m the only one he wants and needs. I need to hear that there is no one else and that he never wants it to happen again. I need to hear that he doesn’t ever want to hurt me that way again. And I just want him to check in with me. Just ask me how I’m doing. How my day was, not in relation to the kids or how much I got done, but in relation to my thoughts about the affair. And no, I don’t want to bring the whole subject up all the time. I just want to know that he cares about whether I’m doing all right or need a shoulder to cry one.

I still think about it a lot. Not near as much as before, and I can more easily put it to the back of my mind now. I know it’s not good to dwell on it. When I do the only thing that comes out of it is self-pity and I know I don’t need any more of that. What I think about and worry about is him. Is he where he said he is? Does he message women on Facebook? Does he miss it? Am I giving him what he wants and needs? Does he even like me? What is he thinking? I guess I wish I knew him better. It’s hard to get to know someone, though, if they don’t want to be known. I don’t know how to talk to him. I try and it seems he runs scared every time. I know in the past I made the whole talking thing a bigger deal then it should have been and now he just gets scared every time I mention it. But I’m slowly feeling resentment about everything, his lack of interest, the lack of meaningful conversation, and his lack of desire for me.

I don’t want to think that it will happen again but I’m afraid if things keep going the way they are it will. And it may not even be him this time. I desire for someone to tell me certain things so much that I would be willing to hear it from just about anyone. He’s making me feel bitter and angry and resentful. I don’t want to be that kind of person. But how do I keep giving and giving when I only get back a fraction of what I give? Probably if this would ever come up in one of those meaningful conversations I want to have he would make me feel like I want too much from him and in the end I probably would agree. I want more the more I get. But could this be because I barely get what I really want to begin with? If I got what I wanted more often than I would know it was coming and I could rest assured that I don’t have to gobble it up and ask for more all at once.

What do I really want? Assurance, romance, conversation, companionship, passion, desire, security, love, interest, fun, touch, playfulness, spice, honesty, unity, connection, peace. I guess I want our relationship to feel like your own bed when you’re completely worn out or were gone on a long trip. But also like a much needed vacation to a place you’ve never been. I guess what I want the most right now is to feel completely comfortable with him. So comfortable that I can say whatever is on my mind and trust that he will take it the way I meant and not overreact. I want to feel like I can be myself and not have to worry about rejection. I want to be able to tell him what I want and need and not have to worry about what he will think of me and whether he will do it or not. I want to feel wanted and needed. I want to know that I’m the only woman that he needs.

Is our relationship the only one that seems to be on two completely different pages?    

Doubts

So, the one year anniversary of when it all started with LaDonna is coming up. Yeah I’ve been thinking about it all the last couple of days. We went to watch a friend play softball last night and all I could think about was the last time we were there. I was pregnant and we were going to tell these same friends about it. It would have been right around the time “it” happened. Stuff like that reminds me of it and lets me know that even though I’ve forgiven him I will never forget.

There are so many things I want to talk with him about but there are so many more reasons why I don’t feel comfortable doing so. My fear of rejection comes to mind again, and also the fact that I don’t want to be the one to remind him of it. We always seem to get in an argument whenever I bring it up. And last but not least he hates talking to me. I have things that I need to hear from him to know that things are going ok. I’m not hearing them therefore I wonder if things are ok. He was really sweet last night so that makes it a little better. I just wish he would get over his awful fear of talking.

Something that’s driving me crazy right now is other women! Yes it’s shorts season. I don’t wear shorts, I wear skirts. I have a few short skirts but they are still knee length. I always get jealous of other women that have nice tan looking legs with shorts on that barely cover their butt and that wear tank tops and shirts that show a lot of boob. I never know what he is seeing. What is it doing to him? And why doesn’t he tell me he likes how I look with my skirts and high necked, sleeved shirts? I know what he thought of me before the latest affair but what about now? Does he still think I’m sexy when I’m very modestly dressed? I just wish I knew.

I’ve forgiven him for what he’s done, and I know I’m moving forward, but all the doubts are still there. Is he really where he says he is? Does he think about having sex with other women? Does he look at pictures of other women? Can I trust him? And it’s not like I can ask him. It would be classified as nagging if I went to him every time I had doubts and asked him these questions. I just want reassurance and I’m not sure how to ask for it. I want to know he’s changed.

Now that I’ve been trying to not bring it up and leave it in the past I wonder if he knows how much I’m still hurting. I wonder if he realizes how much I still think about it or how often it has the potential to ruin my day. I usually try to not let it but it’s something I have to work on. There are so many areas of life that are tainted by it. I can’t look at CJ without thinking about it. I was pregnant with him when it happened last and I think that maybe he doesn’t love CJ as much because of it. I know that’s not true but that’s what I feel and think a lot. I hate it. I hate thinking bad about him. I hate thinking he isn’t a great dad and that he could be so cruel. And most of all I hate that I feel like I can’t have an open honest conversation with him. I just want to talk.

Doubts, doubts go away. Come again another day.

Relationships

This morning I’m writing with feelings of helplessness, shame, and confusion.

Helplessness

I’m at a total loss as to what to do with my relationship with him. I want things that I’m not getting. He reacts when I tell him. I probably don’t go to him in the right way. I hold things inside so long until they just explode. How do I fix this? How do I get over my fear of rejection? How do I let him know my fear? How do I trust him with my feelings when in the past he has reacted in the wrong way and made me feel stupid for even saying anything?

Shame

Why do I act the way I do? How can I get so angry I drive him farther and farther away? And how can he still love me after I get so angry and mean toward him? How can I treat my children the way I do when I know all the feelings I have aren’t their fault? How can I act the way I do and still expect him and the kids to love me?

Confusion

Why do I act the way I do? Why do I have this uncontrollable anger and restlessness? What do I do with these feelings rather than lash out? How do I get rid of them? How will we ever have a healthy relationship when we can’t even have a healthy conversation? Why do I want so much more than what I have? He comes home to me every night. He is kind and helpful toward me. He really is trying to be a good man. Why can’t I just let this be enough? Why do I have to have these feelings toward the kids? Why do I have these feelings at all?

I get so frustrated when I hear people talking about stupid mundane things that don’t matter. They don’t get it. Life is so much more than what someone was wearing or where they were eating or what they were doing. If you think your relationships are fine then you are stupid. They are work and constantly need to be maintained. People that have time on their hands to sit around and gossip must not have a relationship worth working on. I have so much work to do on my multiple relationships I cringe when I have to sit somewhere and talk about everyday things. I have work to do and it doesn’t get done talking about the weather.

I feel like a bitch and right now I’m not sure that I care. I just want something good to happen to me for once. 

Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. Sure I probably have had a few semi bad ones since I forgave him but this one was a little worse. I cried over the affair, which I haven’t done since I decided not to bring it up. I guess I’m so scared our relationship is going to go back to the way it was. We never communicated. We talked but not about things that mattered in our relationship. It’s starting to go back to that. After the affair, we talked a lot about our feelings and things that we wanted and needed because it was very relevant at the time. Now we have nothing to talk about. What are we supposed to say to each other?

I have a hard time voicing my feelings for several reasons. I’m so afraid of rejection. I’m afraid I will tell him how I feel and he will joke about it or not take me seriously. I’m afraid to tell him what I want or need because I’m afraid he won’t do it. I have told him in the past my feelings and he has done all the things I’m afraid he would do. He has hurt me in more ways than just being with other women. I can’t tell him this because he always gets so hurt and down on himself I can’t even reason with him. I’m so frustrated because it’s as if he would rather just live his life getting what he needs from me and forgetting what I need. I know he probably doesn’t think like this. He’s a man that’s just not motivated to do it.

This also hurts. I will do things that I like to do. One thing that I like to do is please others. Therefore, I will do the things Jon likes me to do because I want to please him and make him happy. He is not like this. I don’t know how to motivate him to love me the way I want and need. I know it’s not by nagging. I know it’s not by trying to get his attention through negative ways. And just telling him doesn’t seem to work. One thing that I know helps is focusing on him instead of me. This is really hard for me. I want to feel loved before I give him what he wants. It’s hard for me to do something for him when I don’t have good feelings toward him. I had a bad day, so why can’t I just expect him for a day or two to be there for me when I may not be at my best and forget about his self?

Whenever I write I always feel selfish. I feel like I am always down and discouraged. This is probably because the only time I feel like I need to write is when I am. I don’t want to be a selfish person, but I also don’t want to be the one in our relationship that is always giving without being prompted. Yes, I know he isn’t horrible. I know most times he is good at giving me what I need. But why does it feel like those times are only shortly after we have a full blown fight? I also know I used to ask for too much and when I got a little love and attention I was never satisfied. I think I’ve been doing good about that for years now, but he still brings it up whenever I let him know I need some time with him. He doesn’t see the good in me. He sees the bad, whether it’s in me today or two years ago.

I don’t think he wants to be with me. If he really loved me wouldn’t he at least try to give me what I want? I know it’s not the first thing he wants to do. I know it goes against his grain. I know it doesn’t come naturally. What about the things I do? It doesn’t come naturally for me to everyday try and respect someone that has hurt me the way he has. It doesn’t come naturally for me to give him space when the one thing I want from him is attention. I do it anyway! He overlooks everything I do and then doesn’t do what I need because he thinks I’m asking too much. After all the things I try and do for him? Don’t I deserve a little bit of gratitude from him? I’m so discouraged. I try and try and try for so long to give him what he wants and needs but I’m left with nothing.

I wonder sometimes if he thinks he is the only one with temptations. I have them too. When I see a man giving his wife or girlfriend attention that I crave I get jealous. Before I know it I’m thinking what it would be like to have a man like that and I’m resenting my husband. He doesn’t realize how often at night I dream that a man likes me and is giving me all the attention I need, and it’s not him. I wake up wishing I could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming. Go back to that fantasy that someone loves me and wants to make me happy. I wake up feeling dissatisfied with him because I don’t know when I will ever feel loved like that for more than a week or two at a time. I’m glad no man has ever approached me and made me feel loved and special because I don’t know what I would do. I have temptations too. I just don’t have a means to yield to them. I have kids and a husband I feel like I need to take care of right now.

What will it take to get him to see that by not giving me love and attention I’m slowly beginning to resent him? 

Looking ahead

Things have been going well. I guess you can probably tell by the silence from me. I recently decided to put the whole affair behind me. I was punishing him in my own way. I can see that now, and I can honestly say that it probably wasn’t the most mature thing to do. I thought if I would verbally forgive him I would somehow be condoning his actions. Now I see that forgiving him was the only way we were going to move forward.

Since I have forgave him I haven’t thought about it as much. One reason is, I decided not to bring the subject up unless it was necessary. So I’m trying hard not to bring it up in arguments or even just daily discussions. It has helped me keep my mind off of it. I just tell myself that the past is in the past. It doesn’t need to be brought up to help us in the present. He did it and now we are moving forward.

If you would have told me three months ago that I would be feeling this way I would have laughed, or cried. I just never thought I would be able to get over it. I’m glad I’m beginning to. It’s still hard to trust him. I can’t get out of my mind that it might happen again. I guess that will just take time. In the past it happened about once a year so maybe if it hasn’t happened again in a year or two then I will be able to trust him completely again.

I quit going to counseling. Every time I went I thought about the affair because that’s the reason I was going. I didn’t think it would help me out to be reminded once a week and then come home and treat him like it had just happened all over again. I have a bad tendency to do that so I thought it best to not even be tempted.

I’m still having a lot of issues with my hormones from having CJ. I’m really crabby and angry most days. We get along good other than days we are together a lot like today. I don’t understand why. When we have days like this I wonder if we will ever be able to get along. I hope it’s just the hormones. I don’t want the rest of our lives to be like this.

I’m also still having problems with JR. I think it’s a lack of positive attention toward him. I just get so impatient with him. He doesn’t listen and it seems as if he wants to be bad on purpose. I love him but most days I just can’t stand the way he acts. I’m hoping this also can be attributed to hormones but I know I can’t use that as an excuse. I need to learn how to be patient and how to give him the right kind of attention.

I’m glad things are going good. I just wish I knew whether our relationship was better or if we are slipping back into our old groove.

Revenge

I did something last week that I’m now second guessing my actions. When I was “stalking”, as he calls it, LaDonna’s facebook I noticed she had just become engaged. This made me really mad. Her life was going on peachy. So peachy that she found some guy that actually wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I’m sitting here with a husband that at one point wanted to leave me but didn’t have the guts. So I decided to get my own type of revenge. Most cases bad idea. My case, I haven’t decided yet. I got out my trusty unknown number and started texting her acting like I was some guy heartbroken over her engagement. I mentioned something about the married man she was dating and she said she would like to kick his ass. This made me chuckle because being a small woman I once asked him if I would win in a fight against her. He said definitely. I’m not sure if it was because of my anger toward her or her size but either way, if I couldn’t beat him up I really doubt she could. She acted like she wished it had never happened and that he had hurt her bad. This made me think a little differently about her.

It got to the point where she stopped texting because she didn’t know me and she was happily in love with her fiancé. After my epiphany that she may actually be more human that I had once thought, I decided to message her on facebook. Confess that it was me texting and tell her a few things that were on my mind. It was a very civilized message and I was quite proud that I had kept my temper to myself. I did this early Friday morning when I couldn’t sleep. I actually expected a response. He thought I would get a very angry message. He said even though I thought the message was civilized she would take it differently. He said she is anything but logical. She has some family history of mental illness. So now I’m going nuts wondering if she will reply.

Maybe she is hunting me down. Ha, wouldn’t that be funny? Ok, so maybe not. I don’t want to put my kids in danger. I really couldn’t care less about him because he was the one that started all this mess in the first place. And I’m not really the type to worry about my own safety. If she wants to beat me to a pulp so be it. I don’t care. And then I think maybe she is writing up a really huge message, full of hate or apology I really couldn’t tell you. I want to hear a reply back from her. I want to know what she thinks about all of it. Why do I care? I don’t know. I just do.

The mind movies have started again. All those little films I play in my head, the ones that play when I don’t want them to. Sometimes I start them on my own, though. I want to watch and get depressed and angry about the whole thing. My main question every time the film is rolling is why did he do it? Why me? How can he go on with life as if nothing happened? I feel so sick every time I watch them touch, and kiss, and do the things that only him and I were supposed to do. I want to cry and never stop. I wonder if I will ever get over it. I wonder if I can ever trust him again. I wonder if he will one day miss it and find someone else. I thought I was doing so good, but here I am again.

I feel another bad day coming on….

I need some excitement!

Things are going very well. So why do I feel so awful, so bored? I’m bored of the mundane day to day routine, bored of my family, bored of life in general. I’m a loner. I love being at home. One or two nights a week out of the house is usually plenty for me. And the bonus, I usually get to pick where we go out to eat. Yeah, I guess I do have a boring life. It never bothered me before, but the last couple of days I just wish for some excitement. I look at my phone constantly hoping to have a text. I look at Facebook wishing one of the “other women” in my life have changed their profile pic or posted something new. I feel so pathetic.

I wonder if he feels this way. After all the secrets and excitement of an affair, he has to be going crazy with the boredom. This is one reason why I can’t help but think he is hiding someone or going to cheat again. This feeling is driving me crazy and I’ve never had any kind of real excitement in my life since we’ve been married. He on the other hand has and knows how it feels and has means to make it happen. I have kids to take care of everyday so there is no way I can do something like that. It’s starting to scare me more and more. Why when things are going so good do I have to have these stupid feelings?

I probably should have gone a little wild and crazy before I started dating and got married. Maybe then I would have gotten all these feelings out of my system. I don’t even know what to do to get rid of them. I wonder if something is wrong. I feel kind of panicky and like my body will explode if I don’t find somehow to release all this energy. I feel hot and air heady. I think I need a vacation. Ha! What’s that? I just hope I don’t go and do something drastic to get rid of this feeling. If we had some in the house I would take a glass of wine and soak in the tub! I really think I’m going a little loopy in the head. I just wonder, why now?

So I took a lot of words to try and describe how I’m feeling. I don’t even think I got close!

Kids

I'm folding baby clothes. The last thing on earth I want to be doing. I hate being a mom. My first biggest mistake was getting married. And no, not just cause of who I married. I shouldn't have married anyone, at all. My second biggest mistake was having kids. I'm not a baby person. Not really a kid person in general. Sure other people's kids I can tolerate. I get to see them for a little then they go away. If it weren't for his great desire to have kids we may not have any right now. I don't know why he wanted any in the first place. He cheated on me both times I was pregnant. Good grief. What was the point?

I'm going crazy. He doesn't believe me. Will he believe me after someone turns me in when they hear me screaming at the top of my lungs through our open windows? Will he believe me when he comes home to find our child's eyes bright red because he has been crying all day? He can't seem to do anything right for mom. Will he believe me after our child starts talking and tells him that he was locked in his room? He thinks I'm overreacting or exaggerating. I'm not. I feel awful, but what can I do? The one person I feel comfortable with telling half of the truth won't listen to even that.

I don't want to be a mom. I want to be able to work part time and keep my house nice. Get the laundry, dishes, and bathroom cleaned whenever I want. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to wear my nice junior sized clothes that fit. I hate my stretch marks and my fat tummy. Sure big boobs are a plus but I don't plan on breast feeding my whole life! I want to be able to go away whenever. Plan long road trips ( I loved to travel before kids). Save up money each month. Sleep in on the weekends. I want to live my life my way, not my kids' way.

I wish I could get some help, but in order to have help I need to tell someone the truth and actually have them believe me.


I do love my kids. I wish now I wouldn't have had them. I brought them into a crazy messed up marriage. I don't abuse them. I just get so aggravated and have days when I wouldn't think it impossible to. I've felt so awful every since CJ has been born. Stress is a killer. I just wish I could die.

Satisfied?

You know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you just know something bad is going to happen? I feel that a lot. I know I love him. I know I can forgive him and partially forget. But whenever I think about it I get this feeling that it will happen again. It’s happened three times in as many years. How do I argue that with myself? I know we are both really trying but what if that’s not enough?

He’s being more honest with me then he ever has been. This is one consolation. He is also more open with me than ever before.  My biggest thing is what is going to stop him from doing it again? I wish he would give me something I can do to help him. Or find someone he can be accountable to. It would make me feel so much better if he would have someone helping other than me. He has no interest in counseling and that scares me. I’m sure he could learn ways to avoid and deal with temptations.

I want our marriage to be better. I’m tired of not feeling completely satisfied with him. I want to be able to tell him this but right now I feel like if I throw anything on him he will think it’s too hard and give up. I’m the one that needs to get over my wants and just be satisfied with what I get. He needs to focus on staying faithful. I don’t have any reason to believe I can or will cheat so I can live without getting what I want or need. He on the other hand can’t live without his wants and needs met. I definitely found that out the hard way. I need to focus on him. But I still can’t help but wonder when it will be my turn.

We were driving somewhere recently and this song came on the radio. I had to cry a little listening to it.

I sometimes wish there was a way I could turn off my love for him. It would protect me from getting hurt again. I’m so tired of hurting.

Did I already say I was terrified?

This is hard. Trusting a man that broke my trust. Trusting a man that in the past has lied right to my face. I know this time is different. I know he has changed for the better. It just doesn't make it any easier. I was ok with it before all the stuff happened recently. Those of you who actually read this may wonder what I did that was so awful. Here it is, I texted him with another number and pretended I was someone else. I wanted to see what he would do. I wasn’t really impressed with what he was texting. Not the way I would have wanted him to respond. But later he told me he knew it was me and was playing along. How do I believe him? Should I believe him? I have so many conflicting feelings.

He has been so indifferent toward me since I betrayed his trust. I can’t talk to him. I can’t expect any tenderness from him. I’m scared I ruined everything. Having a husband that could have two physical affairs and I not know a thing is really scary. He is alone on the job some. He could call or text whoever. He travels from job to job alone sometimes. He could stop wherever he wanted. I get knots in my stomach every time I think about it. Before I messed up I knew he wouldn’t do anything. He was being honest with me for the first time. He was being vulnerable. Now I’m afraid he would just do something out of spite.

I have a basis for this fear. I myself am tempted every day to do this. I want to have a man tell me wonderful things about myself. I want a man that I can be a different person with. Someone that doesn’t know all my faults. That I can be secretive with. I want to have some excitement again. Taking care of two kids all day every day leaves a lot to be desired. I guess I can see the appeal. I just wish he would have resisted. I just wish our marriage was something we both wanted.

I’m planning on seeing a counselor on Wed. We were both supposed to go but he doesn’t want to after everything blew up like it did. After what I did he said he doesn’t want to try and make things work anymore. I decided I’m still going to go to see if I can win my husband back. After all, the affairs feel like my responsibility. If I would have made our marriage more appealing and fun and exciting why would he have to run off and find that elsewhere? If I would have been the encouraging, uplifting wife I should have been he wouldn’t have looked for someone to stroke his ego. He was just trying to fill himself with what I wasn’t giving him. Trying to feel like a needed, appreciated man.

But that leaves the question, what am/was I supposed to do with all the emptiness inside of me? 

Move forward?

I made a mistake. I broke his trust. Sure, what I did wasn't as bad as an affair, but like they say, "Two wrongs don't make a right". Now I feel awful. Now I feel even more confused. I want to make things better. I want us to get better. I want to move forward. Why are there so many different feelings that make this seem so impossible?

I am terrified. I can't even describe how terrified I feel! I'm losing all control. He wants me to just trust him. He wants me to be able to just believe what he says. This is hard. I have been wanting him to give me all his passwords. He did, except for my verizon. He changed his phone number and said it was so his affair women couldn't find him. He didn't want to set up a my verizon account though. He did once then shut it back off. Finally when he did he told me he had been texting someone else. Or they had been texting him and bugging him. It's the neighbor girl. That is really why he had changed his number. I don't know what to believe. I'm so confused and I wonder if this is exactly how he wants me. Confused and willing to overlook things when he gives me a vague explanation.

I want to believe him and move on. The scariest thing about it is not knowing if he is being honest. Not knowing if he really wants me. Not knowing if I'm just going to get hurt again and again and again. He wants me to move forward and not ask questions, or at least not question if he is being faithful. How is this possible? I just find out that the neighbor girl is infatuated with him and I really don't know if it is/was mutual. He doesn't understand why I can't just believe him. It's hard because he was trying everything to keep it hidden. If he was innocent why not tell me right away when he told me about the other affairs?

This whole thing has got me down and I'm not sure how to get back up.

Sand

During our wedding ceremony we poured sand. We have a nice container with green and brown sand, which he and I poured in together, representing our lives. There is white on top, which the minister poured, representing God over our lives. Every time I look at that sand I ache. Our marriage wasn't real. He didn't want it and I thought it would make everything better. Our marriage was a lie. That sand is a lie. We are only one in flesh not in heart and soul. And the sand on top representing God over our lives? Who were we fooling? God wasn't in our lives before or during our marriage. I feel like a hypocrite. If I could just turn back time.

I hope he is faithful from now on. I just can't get out of my head that this feels so deja vu. Every year there has been another woman. Even if I didn't know about the second one and thought he was doing so good, she was there. Who will it be next year? Or the end of this year? He says he's more committed. How do I know? He still seems so distant some of the time. I want him to know the things he needs to change, but I also want him to want to do them. Not do them cause he is forced. 

I hate dreams. The sleeping kind. The kind that you really have no control over. They just play out for you while your sleeping and your forced to live through them. Some dreams like the one last night can be so tempting. It made me wish for a new beginning. No husband, no kids, and no responsibilities. But that's a fantasy. I live in reality. 

The reality hits me everyday. Constantly. I can't get away from it. I don't have two normal thoughts in a row. "It" always pops up in between. That's what I've started calling the affairs. It. It is eating me alive. I barely eat and when I do it's nothing substantial. I lay awake at night. I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I freak out at the kids constantly and I'm not enjoying them at all. I'm obsessed with "it". I get angry at him and I know he's probably reeling every time we are together. Well I guess even when we're apart and I talk to him on the phone. He's been doing a lot for me and I just can't look past it. I'm really going nuts.

JR got into the sand today. He tore up some of my dried roses that I carried on our wedding day and put them in the sand. I got mad at him but then I thought, "Why get mad?". I almost threw it away. I did throw away the flowers but the sand's still there. I pictured myself pouring it all in the trash. I want to so bad. Or better yet, I just want to throw it right in his face. He broke our vows. I was trying, but he had quit. Or more like never started. Why do I have to be the one that is home day after day looking at that stupid sand? I would hate myself for throwing it out, but what good is it doing now? Who really believes what that sand stands for? When all this is behind us for a few years and he is still wanting to stay faithful to me I want to get remarried. I want to pour more sand that actually means something. Sand that's not some stupid, fake symbol of our lives.

I really want to get better but I'm not willing to do what it takes to get there.

Dreams

I’m still so angry and I don’t know if I will ever trust him again. I don’t feel like anything is getting better either. He won’t talk to me. We haven’t had sex for a while. And I just can’t seem to get over all of it. I wish he would talk to me about it. It’s on my mind constantly yet he acts like it didn’t even happen. Or like it shouldn’t matter anymore. Well it does. It scares me to know that he thinks we would have been better off if I never found out. What!? So he could go off and have another affair easier? So he could make some excuse about going somewhere and end up in someone else’s arms? Yeah, it would have been better for him. This is why I don’t think he is serious and that he is planning on it happening again. Or maybe hoping it will.

I had all these hopes and dreams as a child/teenager. I wanted a man that loved me, cherished me, and was loyal. A man that would have given his own life for mine. Someone that thought I was the only one meant for  him. Well, that’s what I thought I had. He was funny, romantic, and treated me like a queen. I don’t know what happened. Maybe he got tired of me. Maybe I changed. Either way, at some point in our relationship, I knew I wasn’t happy anymore. I knew I wasn’t getting the things I wanted and had dreamed about. I was just too stubborn to admit it. I had given him too much of myself to back out. I thought things would change after we got married. I was so stupid and now I can’t go back.

I know in the future, with God’s help, I can forgive him. As of now, though, I don’t even see him trying to win my forgiveness. I know I’m not supposed to hinge forgiveness on the person’s behavior. It’s just so hard to even think it when I don’t feel like he wants it. He keeps asking me if I can see myself forgiving him. It feels as if he will run out clicking his heels if I say no. If I saw him trying, in the ways that matter to me, it would be way easier. The thing is he doesn’t even know what those ways are because he has never asked. This is why I feel like he really doesn’t care. He is trying on his own instead of simply talking to me and asking for help. I’m beginning to think he isn’t even sorry. Wouldn’t he do everything in his power to let me know he wants to change? Wouldn’t he at least find out what I need to forgive him?

I will end this post with a song that I used to love. I’m not really into country but this song was always exactly what I wanted from a man.

Now that I have a man and he hasn’t been faithful I guess I can say good bye to my dream of having one that will love and be faithful forever. I know in my heart he can be faithful again. We can get past this and he can earn back his faithfulness. But I need to see that this is what he wants. 

Until then, goodbye dreams….

Car for Sale

We are selling the car. We want to get something bigger. Two kids are just too much to stuff in a car. We have found something else we like and need to sell the car by Friday. My first thought? How bout we offer it to that whore he had in there with him? Just give it to her as a souvenir for the many “rides” she took in it. If he ever brings another woman in our new car I may just take a match to it, with them in it. Ok, so that would be a big waste of money. I would tie them to a tree and leave the car out of it.

Will it be nice to get rid of the vehicle my husband had an affair in? Actually, I’m not sure. I would have to let go of it and it’s something I’m holding on to for dear life. When I get in it, it fuels my fire. When I think of the affair, it burns me most. I want to have something to fling in his face. I don’t want to let go of something that I know can make me so angry. The anger feels good. Right, somehow. I want to hold onto that anger and never let go. I guess selling the car will never take away the memory of what he did in it. I can still be angry and get a new vehicle.

But when will the fire ever go out? 

Womanizer

My husband is a womanizer. I found this awesome site with a bunch of definitions for womanizer. Click the link to check it out.

Hopefully one day I can honestly say he was and not is. Right now the thing that drives me crazy is that he sometimes talks bad about the women he has been with or I guess just women in general. He even makes it sound like it’s their fault everything got started. And even with LaDonna he said it was her actions that lead him to end it. He says mean things about women all the time. It’s nothing for him to say something like she’s fat, or she must be nice, or she’s so annoying. Well, what about his women? Jenna had issues. Lisa is pathetic. Jessica is a giant. Marsha is old. LaDonna is ugly. Don’t know who else there has been so I’ll just stop there. What am I? I know I’m not perfect so what’s wrong with me? I know I don’t have any of those problems yet, but I must have some problem. He has something bad to say about every woman.

I want to be able to trust him but with all the evidence pointing toward him being a womanizer will this ever end? 

Mother's Day

He got me gifts! Yeah I chewed him out for not getting me anything for Valentine’s Day so he kinda had to get me something. I just want him to make me feel special. Not getting me anything on special occasions, in my eyes, lets me know I’m not worth spending money or effort on. And it doesn’t have to be a lot. Just something he put effort into picking out or doing. I’m a very sentimental person so “it’s the thought that counts” goes a long way with me. I was just getting tired of getting absolutely nothing on holidays. He does good on Christmas. But the others I’m lucky if we go out to eat. He wants to know what he can do to make things better. This is one of them.

So on to what he got me. I got flowers delivered to me on Wednesday with a card that said something about not always listening but I do mean the world to him, from JR and Dad. They are beautiful tulips. I love tulips! For a few years my mom had every color imaginable growing in front of our house so that’s a good memory I have to go along with tulips. Then yesterday something else arrived! Shari’s Berries which are very good chocolate covered strawberries from CJ and Dad. This card said something about thanks for the great milk. If there’s one thing my husband has it’s a sense of humor. I really love them. He did a good job!

Along those lines, I’m not someone that needs to get expensive or extraordinary gifts. Simple things make me happy. As long as he put effort into picking it out or doing it I would love it. Now it sounds like I didn’t like my gift, but that’s not the case. I just want everyone to know I’m not some material person. I just want him to think about what I enjoy doing and make it special or get me something that goes along with it. Flowers and chocolates can be expensive and not a whole lot of thought needs to be put into that. If he really tried to make an effort when getting me a gift it would be one way to let me know he is serious about our relationship. To tell you the truth, the cards that came along with the gifts meant way more to me than the actual gift. It took effort to think of what he wanted them to say. I’m not a shallow person that can just have gifts thrown at her to make her happy.

Do I sound like an ungrateful person? Sorry, but I want him to show me that he is really serious.

Notes

Today I was cleaning our room and I came across notes that I had written to him. In a lot of them I was writing to apologize for fighting with him, or to apologize for something I had done wrong, or just a note to let him know I wanted to do better. It kind of made me upset because I feel like I’m always the one to make things right after we have an argument. Or at least I was. He is doing better about owning up to his mistakes. But what really made me upset was I wrote some of those notes while he was cheating on me. I wrote those notes apologizing for fighting with him when the reason we were fighting was him! Things weren’t right between us because he was off having sex with someone else. I knew things felt weird and I just thought it was because of my hormones from being pregnant. Now I know the truth. And the truth hurts. A lot.

I’m afraid I will have a hard time writing apology notes to him now. Maybe even apologizing in general. Like I’ve said before, I hate feeling stupid. Looking at those notes made me feel really stupid. He just took them and acted like it was my fault and then went on like normal. He let me take the fall for his mistakes time and time again. Some of the notes sounded like I was at the end of my rope trying to figure out what was going on with us. Did he not hear the desperation in them? Did he not see I wanted to have a better marriage? I know I started a lot of arguments, but mainly because I wanted to get to the bottom of things. I wanted to know why everything felt so foreign. I wanted to have our somewhat close relationship back. Every time I would try to bring it up we would end up fighting. How could he have been so heartless?

This is one thing I don’t understand. What made him turn around? Why is he all of a sudden a different person? He hurt me over and over. He was mean to me all the time. I couldn’t do anything that was right in his eyes. Then all at once he is sorry and trying so hard to be a better husband. What happened? Since it all changed so quickly I’m scared it will change again just as fast. I’m scared he will get tired of waiting for me to completely forgive him. I’m scared he will think there is no hope in our marriage and find someone else. I can’t see myself leaving him but I also can’t see myself ever completely forgiving him.

I’m feeling crushed under this huge weight of responsibility.

Weddings

Saturday we went to a wedding. I never knew I would come to hate them. I used to love them. Now all I can think is what a huge waste of time and money. They probably won't last and if they do they probably won't be happy. Then Sunday in church his mom had a praise report in church about their wedding anniversary, 35 years. The same woman that has had a part in ruining my life and marriage is actually happy about being married? And to someone that cheated also? I know he was talking to some woman. Not sure how far it went but still. How can you thank God for that but force your own son to get married to someone he doesn't want to, and then attack him when he does the same thing your own husband does? I hate people in love.

When I said those vows on our wedding day I meant them.  I intend to follow through on the til death do us part. I'm not sure how my partner feels about that. I guess I really don't think he is serious about the whole thing. We are planning on going to a Marriage Restored weekend the beginning of June. If he really takes me and participates and is serious about the whole thing I may be convinced then. Right now I just feel like he is biding his time until it is safe to cheat again. I hate feeling stupid and that's how I feel. It will be a long time before I trust him to not make me feel stupid again.

On a side note, I am always looking at LaDonna's facebook. Yeah, stupid, I know. It's like an addiction. I want to know why she is so much better then me that he had to go to her, text her, and look at her pictures. She posted today, "So confused right now :(". Your so confused???? You were the one fucking around with my husband and then when he didn't want you anymore you went and jumped into the next pair of pants that let you. And he must be just as stupid. He just met you at a freakin grocery store. How pathetic are you? And you think your confused? Let's call it for what it is, stupidity. I'm the one that's confused. Your just stupid.

Sorry. That was my rant for the day.

All the Feelings

He's mad at me because of the way I'm acting. If he would just know the emotions I'm feeling maybe then he would understand. If he could just feel and think everything I do maybe he wouldn't be so hard on me about the way I act. The smallest thing reminds me of all the pain. He goes from day to day like nothing is wrong. He jokes and teases, then asks me what is wrong when I don't join in. I'll tell you what's wrong. I think of Marsha anytime he says something about my mom's age. I think of LaDonna whenever I see my own stretch marks. I think of Jessica whenever we hear a Carrie Underwood song. And that's just one thing that reminds me of each of them. Trust me, there is a whole lot more. I can't get away from them. Every town we go to I'm reminded of some girl. I even dream about them. They are controlling my life.

I know I have been horrible to live with lately. And my emotions aren't all about the affair either. I just had a baby and my emotions went haywire with my first one too. Everything combined is going to drive him away or to another woman. I'm so tired of feeling so up and down. It's like my emotions are a goolash casserole. everything and anything thrown in together.

I think he may call it quits if I keep acting this way. I wish he would just be a little more sympathetic. I'm not trying to be awful, I just feel like I can't control it. To top it all off it's really hard for me to cry right now. I know I would feel better if I could more often, but it takes alot to set me off. I think it's part of the whole baby thing. So I have all this emotion and no outlet for it. It just simmers until I can get him to argue with me. I know it's wrong but it's one way it relieves all the tension inside.

I'm really struggling with my feelings toward him. I want to do something to hurt him. Find a guy to talk to but I know that's wrong. I probably wouldn't but I guess it's the thought that makes me feel guilty. He would leave me if I would ever do something stupid like that. Why don't I have enough guts to leave him? I don't want to be alone. I know that's the main reason. I don't believe in divorce and remarriage for any reason so I would leave him and then live alone the rest of my life. I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Not saying I don't want to live happily with him. I do. It would just be nice to have that option if he would ever do this to me again. I think if he would do it again I would leave him but then it's the lonely life for me. I hate myself for this weakness.

Another reason I'm scared of leaving is then he may do whatever he wants. It would kill me to know that right after I left he was going around seeing other women. It would hurt alot to know he just couldn't wait to get rid of me. This is how I think he feels sometimes. I wish I felt like he really cared about me. That he really liked me and wanted to be with me. I so often feel like I'm who he had to get married to instead of who he wanted to marry. It's gotten better in the last year or two but now that this has come up I really feel like he would rather have had anyone but me. I hate feeling so down on myself but what else do you think when your husband leaves you at home to be with other women? It's me. I'm not good enough to keep him here.

I feel way too young to be so sad about life. I should be out partying and living it up. But instead I'm at home writing on some blog where people don't even know my real name cause there is no one around me that knows the truth. No one that cares enough to see how my marriage is going. No one that we are close enough to that could tell he was dissatisfied with me or that I was not enough for him. Do we live such shallow lives and have such shallow friendships that no one can even tell that I've been really down lately? Or that he had been so distant and mean to me? I want to live life to the fullest but how do you do that when you feel like such a shallow thing?

I'm tired of living this lie.

Stuck

Today is a hard day. I can see how this was a wake up call for our marriage. But why did the wake up call have to be an affair? Why not some other much less painful way? Maybe this is a wake up call for myself too. I was 18 when I started dating him. To say that I was overly infatuated would be putting it mildly. I had a very low self esteem and didn't think anyone would ever want to date me let alone like me. When this 21 year old showed interest in me I was blown away. I didn't listen to the signs of his behavior, neither did I listen to those around me cautioning me. I just thought if I let him go nobody else would ever want me. So to make a long story short, I now know that I'm way better of a person then I thought. I know there would have been other guys. I know to listen to those around me more. I know to be aware of the signs and listen to my own intuition.

I still get angry when I think of it. No matter how horrible I may have been acting I know I didn't deserve this. I don't know how to let go of all this hate toward him. I want to move forward but I'm really not sure how. I want to have a happy marriage but how does that work when I'm so afraid of what he will do to me next? I'm afraid of what goes through his mind. The things he doesn't tell me. Does he crave pictures of other women? Does he want to be intimate physically or emotionally with others? Is he just biding his time? Waiting til things simmer down so he can do it all over again? I just wish he would share with me more how he is feeling.

He wants so bad to take more firefighting training and then join a paid fire department. I know that won't happen right away but I still wonder what I will do when it does. I really want this for him. It would make me happy to see him doing something he enjoys. I'm just not sure how I will be able to handle it. When he is gone 24- 48 hours at a time how am I going to be able to trust that he is at the station and not in someone else's bed? Or that he is not getting friendly with some firefighter he is working with? 

I feel so stupid. How could I not know something was going on? How did I not know he was lying right to my face? How could I not know he was having sex with someone else? Sure I suspected something more was going on then he was saying but did I ever really believe it? No. I should have checked him out more. Made sure he was where he said he was. I should have asked him more questions. I should have never believed him. I should have listened to my intuition. So is my intuition screwed up now? It's screaming, "He is not over this. He will do it again. He misses it." Who do I listen to? 

I was thinking about it all the other day and realized he took something else away from me that I enjoyed. When we were dating we would make out in his jeep. A lot! We were sneaking around cause neither of our parents would have approved of how physical we were while just dating. So we would go out on a date and then park somewhere after we ate. Ever since we have been married we don't do it anymore but I miss it. And now how are we supposed to without thinking of that little scank? It makes me sad and very angry thinking about it! I would love to just park somewhere after a date and make out with my husband before we have to go and pick up the kids. Did he know this about me? Does he know what he took away from me? I don't even feel like I have a right to be happy with him. Like I can't even have fun when we are out on a date. I'm not the only woman he has been alone with. Nothing is special to us anymore. He has shared everything with others. How do I move forward from that?

I'm stuck and how to I get out of this rut?

I want...

Why is it that he can go out there and cheat on me and then he gets exactly what he wants when he comes back? Is that what I need to do to get what I want? Do a wrong, hurtful thing and he will forgive me and do everything in his power to keep me from doing it again? The thing is, I don't even know what I want. More talking? More romance? More alone time? With two kids these things are nearly impossible.

I would love to go back to when we were dating. To break up with him or to just be smarter about things, I'm not sure. I guess I'm kind of tired of being a mom right now. I just want some one on one time with him to try to work this whole thing out. I want to be happy with him now and to somehow know i will still be happy with him when we are old and grey. I want to know he will never hurt me again. I want to be able to trust him.

The more time that passes the more I worry that he will do it again. A woman can only do so much, then it's his choice. I guess I just need to see that he is committed for the long haul. I'm just so scared that I won't be enough for him. I want his approval and him seeing other women definitely let me know I was doing something wrong. So now what has changed? What if I'm not as appealing later on like I seem to be now? What if he needs that thrill of lying, and sneaking around again?

I need to know he won't do it again. How do I get that?

Roller Coaster

He said there are three reasons why he thinks he had an affair.

1. Lack of sex at home. This I feel is my fault. I know I probably shouldn't. He has also said it's not my fault but it was his choice. But would he have made that choice if he had gotten what he wanted from me? I was pregnant and felt sick and so tired I just didn't feel like I could. This is why I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I'm happy with my two little boys and I'm not setting myself up for more hurt. Also, during my pregnancy with CJ I had a lot of pain. I had overly stretchy ligaments in my legs and pelvic. I couldn't roll over in bed without having a lot of pain. This is one reason the sex slacked off on my part. He was having the affair before I was in too much pain so I guess it had more to do with my grouchiness and being tired and sick. I just can't believe he would do this to me while I was pregnant. With his child! I would lay in bed so many nights wanting to be held and instead he was so mean to me.

2. Not committed to our marriage. I know he didn't want to be married to me in the first place. I just thought he had gotten over that and decided to make it work. I guess I never got the clue after Jessica. He says now he is committed. I'm not sure when I will accept that he means it. I just need him to be dependable right now. Doing what he says. Keeping all his promises. Keep loving me through this time. These things will help me to trust him the most.

3. Fighting. We got into a lot of fights when he started seeing LaDonna. Of course, at the time I didn't know he was seeing her, all I knew was that our relationship was different. He would get angry at me and I would react and then I would say mean things to him and he would react. This has gotten better since he told me. I think we are both trying now whereas earlier he didn't really care.

These reasons help me to understand how to avoid another affair in the future. But is it all my responsibility? I know he is trying now but what about when he decides he doesn't want to be committed anymore? Or what if I do end up pregnant again? Or what if I just can't love him anymore?

We have been together long enough that I will always have feelings for him. I will always care about him and his well being. But right now I don't feel like I love him and I don't even want to love him. I wish these feelings would go away cause I want to be happy with him. But he has hurt me so much. I don't know how to deal with everything. I'm kind of feeling depressed today. He keeps trying to make me laugh and nothing's funny. I want to hash it all out. I want to talk about serious important things.

I want to be in love with him again and feel like everything is normal. I hate this roller coaster.

Pictures

Ok the pictures are really bugging me. How could he do that to me? Ask for pictures so that he could go and waylay on himself! I feel so sick every time I think about it. In my mind it's just as bad as him going and having sex with them. He can't remember how many times it happened. I asked if it was more like one or ten times and he said with Marsha it was closer to ten and with LaDonna it was much more cause it lasted so much longer with her. That many different pictures of them? It hurts really bad. And then I think of how that must have made them feel. I would feel pretty good bout some guy going off to a pic of me. Sure, maybe a little dirty and used but doesn't every woman like to feel wanted, sometimes anyway they can? I guess now you can tell how bad it really was for us!

Marsha has been divorced a few times and has a different boyfriend every week practically so she was fine with being used. LaDonna has had many boyfriends from the sound of it. Was even engaged once and found another woman in bed with him. She took the ring he gave her to a pawn shop and they said it was worth $5,000 and she gave it back to him! How stupid! Now I know I'm smarter then that! Anyway, they both were used to sleeping around so to them it probably felt good to send him pics.

I don't feel that porn is right at all in any circumstance. I cringe every time we watch a movie that has boobs and I hate watching sex scenes. I feel like it can ruin a relationship. And then he goes and specifically asked for these pics from them. I would have rather he looked at some bimbo online. At least that would be more unrealistic. But what he got was of real people. That he knew! Goodness, if I would have known I would have gladly sent him some pics of me, but then again I was pregnant and obviously not attractive to him at that time.

Sometimes when he looks at me and I know he is enjoying what he sees, I feel dirty. He looked at all those pics of them and got enjoyment from it. He was using them. I guess that's kinda how I feel. Used. I'm just another woman he can get pleasure from. Before I knew about the others it felt like a husband and wife enjoying each other. Now I just feel like he is a man enjoying one of his many women.

How do I get past this? How am I supposed to feel like his wife again?

Good feelings

I feel like a walking contradiction. I'm mad at him but feel like I can't show it cause he may get mad and stop being nice. I don't really like him right now but I'm really turned on thinking about him. I want things to be good between us but I also want him to know how wrong he was. I guess my main question right now is, are good feelings ok?

I think the reason I'm craving physical contact with him right now is for his approval. Since I have found out about the affair(s), I feel like I know better what keeps his attention on me. My respect, touch, and desire to be with him, probably among many other things. (Or this is what I have come up with on my own, haven't really asked him.) So maybe subconsciously I know this and therefore am all turned on so I can get that approval from him.

We have talked about how the sex was for him with the others. He says it wasn't great and that I'm by far the best he's had. I'm choosing to believe him. He said LaDonna would even ask what she could do to make it better for him cause she knew he wasn't enjoying it. He said it was rather awkward. Yeah, I would say it probably was. Why keep doing it? Anyway, he also keeps saying how sexy I am and how he likes my body even with the extra baby fat and stretch marks. What woman wouldn't want to hear that?

Am I supposed to be turned on by him now? Am I supposed to enjoy feeling sexy around him? I'm so confused. I know I say that alot but it's true! How do I still have good feelings toward someone that hurt me so much and betrayed my trust in such a huge way?

Will this last?

We had a great weekend! We talked a lot about all that had happened but in a playful way. And had great sex! Is this ok? Is this moving forward? Is it too soon? Does he think he can do it again and it will be ok in a week or so? I'm not sure what to think about it all! I want to be happy and go back to normal, but I don't want normal! I want us to have a better relationship, not the same.

How do we make our relationship better? I'm so afraid we will start fighting again, or I won't have sex with him as much as he needs, or I'll be disrespectful. I can't do everything right all the time. I know he will be understanding. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. But what if he gets tired of my mistakes? I feel like all the pressure is on me. I know he is trying to keep himself away from trouble but if I had been doing my job to begin with he may have never done it.

How do I stop thinking about him with Marsha and LaDonna? Wondering if he is really telling the truth about how bad it was. If it was so awful why did he keep going back? He says he doesn't know. I just wish I could get in his head and figure out what he was thinking. They must have done something he liked to make him keep going. He said he did it with LaDonna cause she was willing. Some of the things he tells me makes me think she is one stupid slut. Hello? Is that what he wants? I like to think I'm a pretty intelligent person. It kinda feels like a slap to my personality.

I want to be happy with him again but I want to fix what was wrong with our marriage first. Does he think it needs to be fixed also? Or is this just my anxieties over him cheating? I wish things were more clear and not so complicated.

Embarrassed

It's worse then i thought. I asked for details. I got details or at least about the pictures they would send him. Earlier he had said not all of them were provocative, so I asked what the provocative ones were of. He didn't want to tell me. He thinks he can decide to not tell me something because he knows it will make me upset. For some reason I need to know these things. Maybe it will make it worse but I just need to know!

He told me last night. I just didn't think it could be worse then it was. I guess I just figured I could blame something on the women we was with and it wasn't completely all his fault. He said when he wasn't able to leave the house and meet them to satisfy his needs he would ask for a picture from them so he could get release on his own. In our bathroom! I asked where I was. He said somewhere in the house! Hello! We have a very small house. What if I walked in on him? Or JR did? I feel so sick and embarrassed.

I also asked him if they said anything about me. He said LaDonna was intimidated by me. Why on earth would she be? She was getting him. He was being nice to her. He said he was a lot nicer to them then he was to me. He said she was intimidated because I was married to him and he wouldn't turn away sex from me if I offered it. The truth is I'm pretty intimidated of her. She was the one he was with and was nice to. I just got yelled at and ignored. And he really didn't want to be married to me in the first place.

He said she got mad at him because he wouldn't leave me to be with her. How did she think that would work? He would obviously want the kids with him some of the time and that would mean she may have them alone sometimes. Did she really think she could take care of a toddler and an infant? What would she do when they started crying, were sick, or got hurt? And why on earth would she want a man that only wanted her for sex, some pictures, and drama free conversation? He says he didn't really like her or find her attractive. Well why did he keep going to her. I guess that is why she thought he should be with her. He chose her over me.

I just want him to want me. I want to be able to go about my day and let him do what he wants and not worry about him being unfaithful. I want to trust him. I want to feel like I will always be loved. No matter what I do. Doesn't he understand that's what I was trying to do? Respect him unconditionally. I really tried but without getting what I needed I probably did a poor job. I guess this is why I feel like the affair was my fault. If I just would have had sex with him more it never would have happened.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

Committed

I want to know details. He doesn't want to tell me any. He says it's hard for him. But he's the one that did it. He should have thought how hard it would be to tell me. I guess I don't understand. It's hard for me because he cheated on me. Will he want to do it again if he remembers all the details? Will he miss it? I guess the reason I want to know is to understand why he kept doing it. Were they that much better? He said they weren't but how do I know if I don't know what they did? Why did he go to them and not me?

He says he's committed now more then he has ever been during our marriage. Is this true? How do I know? He acted this way after Jessica and yet he hadn't even told me the whole truth with her. What if he hasn't told me the whole truth this time? Or if he has maybe it will be ok for awhile and then he will do it again? I just want to stop worrying. 

I get pretty upset when I think of what he did. I wonder if I was ever in a situation to cheat if I would? I guess I have never been in that situation cause I avoid them. How does he get into those situations? Why does he make himself available to that? 

I'm just really confused today. I want to be happy with him but I'm so afraid things will go back to normal then back to the way they were.

4:00am

After feeding CJ in the wee hours of morning (check the title), I climbed into bed with him. Right at first I felt fine then all of a sudden I remembered just how mean he was to me while I was pregnant. I remember not being able to do anything right. He got mad at me over everything. Was pretty much mad at me constantly. I wanted so bad to have a hug and kiss but too many times I rejected his advances to be intimate that he didn't even want to touch me anymore. I remembered when it all started.

Sept 2011:
Antique Show
This is one of my favorite events here in Southern IN. It's so exciting. So many people come to see all the tractors and equipment that are displayed. There is a flea market, petting zoo, tractor pulls, food, and tons of fun! But we had been fighting so it wasn't as great as usual. I remember while there thinking our relationship had started feeling different within the last 2 weeks or so and wasn't sure why. This was supposed to be a fun time for us. Taking JR around and showing him all the tractors and things. I was disappointed.

Back to 4:00am. I then remembered fire watch started the middle of Aug and that he was with LaDonna for the first time around then. That really threw everything into perspective! So I laid there and started crying at the thought of him ruining one of the events that we really loved going to together. And I thought about him throwing away the one thing that was special to us. He had kissed other girls before me but I was his first and he was mine. I thought I shared with him something no one else got from him.

He tried to hold me. He has been very sensitive since he told me. I normally never pass up being touched by him. It was kinda nonexistent there for awhile so why take that for granted? But this morning it hurt too much. I just wanted to be alone. So I pulled away and after a bit he tried again. I'm glad he wants to comfort me. I'm glad he is starting to act like he cares. But I still just want to know why he did it.

Anger

I am so mad that I started a message on facebook to send to LaDonna. I haven't sent it. Not sure if I should. He will probably find out and get mad but they both deserve it. I told him last night I just want to fight with someone. He thought I meant physically. Right! The only way that I would win that one is with my anger. No, I want to just yell at someone and get it all out. He said I should be mad at him. I am. He has been so caring and so bad wants to fix things that I can't yell at him. He has so much guilt right now (rightfully so) that I don't want to add more and make so that he may never get over it. I just want to find her and scream. Maybe yank her hair out? Yeah that would feel good! The old woman doesn't bug me much cause I'm sure he was about grossed out doing that. LaDonna does bug me. She is like 20 or something and skinny. I just had a baby so I still have all this flab and I'm pretty sure I won't be losing all the weight. She does have an ugly face but someone could get past that. I guess the mental issues would not tempt him. He was with her more times and I wonder why? If he couldn't even keep it up for her why keep seeing her? Anger is definitely the emotion of the day!

The Truth

I got what I wanted. Am I happy? Not necessarily. Friday Andy was home from work so I had him start to tell me the truth about what he has done in the past. He told me everything up until we got married. He was good friends with a girl in the youth group named Lisa. He would have dated her but his mom wouldn't let him so he just hung out with her and was with her alot, mostly in secret. A few months before our wedding Lisa was texting him and was pretty upset with them not being together. The night before our wedding she texted Andy and asked him if there was any hope for her. He obviously said no. First, because it was the night before his wedding, and second because he was afraid of being disowned by his parents. After we were married we were visiting his parents and his mom took him aside and apologized for not letting him see who he wanted to and for pushing him to marry me. She said she should have said something before the wedding so he could back out if he wanted to. WOW! When he told me this I could have beat her. I would have been ten times better off if I would have never married Andy but here I am now so I guess I need to stop looking in the past.

Saturday we still hadn't had the chance to talk so that night I asked him about something he had said on Friday. When I had questioned him about sex he said I was the first person he had had sex with. That didn't sound strange to me until I had time to process everything but by Saturday night I was itching to know what he meant. I asked if he had had sex with anyone while we were married. He was silent. I have come to dread silence after a question. It will definitely be something I won't like coming from his mouth. He said he had. By then as circumstance would have it CJ started fussing. So I asked how many times. He said about a dozen all together. I needed to process that so I took CJ out and rocked him and thought about what he said. All together? That most likely means more then one woman. Another WOW!

It was late when we started talking on Saturday night so I'm not sure what all we covered and what had to wait until Sunday afternoon so I will just give an overview of everything he had done.

March 2008:
Got married and was still texting Lisa. Something happened at some point and she got mad at him and handed his number out to everyone she knew. This was the cause of much distress during the first few months of marriage. He got texts from every girl imaginable. He got them and calls at all hours of the night and took great pleasure in trying to find out who they were, telling them funny stories and all in all flirting. We had numerous fights over this.

February 2009:
I'm not sure how long before this it was going on but this is when the fit hit the shan. He had been coaching basketball and was gone late every mon night. I know of 2 nights now that he went and met Jessica. She was another girl Lisa had given his number to. I knew he had been texting her for a long time and knew about the last time he met her. He said he had only kissed her some. She wanted more but he wasn't interested. He felt very guilty and quit meeting her and only texted her occasionally after I found out. It was a big blow up with his parents and we didn't talk to them for months. I thought everything was fine after he ended it. I thought he would never do it again.

April 2010:
His guilt over Jessica kept him faithful up until this point. (I never did know about the kissing until Sunday) We had gotten a dog named Tucker a few months after we were married and loved him like a child. We would take him over to his parents to roam around on the farm because we lived in town. We did this one Sunday night on our way to church cause we were going back over there afterward. On our way back after church we drove up and everyone was looking at us. We got out and were told our Tucker was run over. We were devestated. He said over this time he had became friends on facebook with a woman in town. He had messaged her to see who she was and somehow it ended up that he went to her house and the rest is history. He said he was just with her twice. She kept texting him and messaging him on facebook but he blocked her cause of all his guilt over this incident. All this time I had no clue. Maybe because of the face I just had our first child, JR, over this time. I really thought everything was fine with us so this is what scares me the most. Also, I forgot to mention she is in her 40's.... gross.

August 2011:
I became pregnant with our second child in May. I guess he had had enough of everything once again by this point. He had taken some fire fighting classes and was one out of 3 that passed the test, everyone else failed. So he decided to help the others try to get through. They had a few review classes in which LaDonna sat with him  and that somw how turned into her messaging him on facebook and texting him. The others in the class finally took the retest and passed so he was done with that but I guess not with her. One of the big pole barn suppliers in the area needed to have sprinkler systems installed and for some reason they had to have a fire fighter keeping watch while they worked. Since they would be in the way  during the day they worked from 5pm- 2am in order to keep the building open for business. He invited her to come see him and once again the rest is history. This happened he thought about 5 nights that he was over there. What really gets me is that some nights JR and I would go and take him dinner and ride with him around the building and stuff. The nights we didn't come over and he had the car he would take the car seat out to sleep in the backseat but he said other things happened back there also. This pisses me off! In my car! After his fire watch job was over he said they were in her car twice and in her parents cabin once. WOW! He said the last time was December after she blew up at him over the whole thing. She told her fire chief some tall tales about her and him, messaged him nasty stuff on facebook and told him she had mental issues and wasn't taking her meds. To say the least, this scared him off. I say he deserves whatever he gets.

We are going to try to make it work. I'm really angry and hurt and just wish I had someone to get mad at. He has been nothing but understanding and caring and I hope everything works out but I just can't trust him yet. This is going to take a long time! Two things he told me that make me feel better about the whole thing is he said I kiss better then anyone he has EVER kissed and he thought it was probably because he knows I'm the one that loves him the most. And I'm the best lover also. He said with these 2 women he couldn't keep an erection long at all! haha He said just talking on the phone with me does it and he just couldn't stay up for them. I hope it was awkward for all of them.

Right now my feelings are nauseousness, anger, and disbelief. I never knew. Well, I knew something was going on and suspected sex once or so but never really thought he would do that to me. How do I ever trust him again. And how do I have sex with him without thinking about it?

Again

Everything was going good. I thought he was really trying. I thought maybe he loved me again. I thought wrong. I found out he became a member of an affair site! Wow... he's really trying! ha ha I texted him about it and in one text asked about the girls he favorited and guess what he said? I don't have any favorites other then you! WHATEVER....

This coming from the guy that bought something for one of the nurses at the hospital (when I had my baby) on valentines day and got his wife nothing. And on our anniversary my mom was watching the kids and we rushed and went out to eat and that was it. This stuff would not bother me other then the fact that he called me his favorite. First, favorite to whom? Second, why call me your favorite when you rarely make me feel like it. I'm really tired of it all.

Last night we were talking about it and he said the only reason he hasn't left is the kids! What's going to happen when they are old enough to leave home? Will he leave me then? He also said he can tell when I'm making an effort for us and it makes it easier on him. What about me? What is going to make it easier on me? I constantly am trying to be respectful to him and I don't get anything for it. Just all this stuff he keeps doing. Is he doing it to get me to kick him out? Well I can't. I have 2 kids to raise. I don't want my mother-in-law to raise them when I would have to get a job. I don't want my parents to because they live far away and there is no way I'm moving back. I have done so much for him. Forgiven him over and over, moved here, had kids, and much more.

It really sounds like he wants to make our marriage bearable but how am I supposed to believe that? He said it seems like we are finally starting to get along and things are going good and then he makes a mistake and we have to start all over again. NO DUH! Quit making stupid mistakes. I'd say he is still texting LaDonna but I haven't asked because who really cares anymore? I'd rather him text her cause it sounds like she is drama filled and that's one thing he hates so he'll get tired of her soon enough. The only thing is she has been telling some people about what they text and he talks bad about me so now probably everyone thinks I'm the evil one in our relationship.

What did I ever do to him to deserve this? It really makes me want to make "mistakes" like him but then that would make me just as bad. And most likely I would do it once and find my butt kicked out. He thinks he is so above it all. I half wish people would see what he is like but then how embarrassing that would be for me. And then all the pity. It's not worth it! But I'm sure it will eventually come out. What with this girl talking about it and with our community being so nosy and gossipy!

I could have went on and tried to trust him again but now? I don't know. Things keep popping up and I'm afraid of what I will find next.